


Well above wonder

by chanel775512



Series: He will never wake up again [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Best Friends, Caretaking, Character Study, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Getting Together, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Ice Skating, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Insomnia, Intimacy, Literary References & Allusions, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentioned Hinata Shouyou, Mentioned Kuroo Tetsurou, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Shimizu Kiyoko/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Nervous Yachi Hitoka, Nightmares, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Pining, References to Depression, Romantic Friendship, Substance Abuse, Timeskip, True Love, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi Friendship, Tsukishima Kei Likes Dinosaurs, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Vulnerability, Winter, Yachi Hitoka & Yamaguchi Tadashi Friendship, Yamaguchi Tadashi is a Good Friend, Yamaguchi Tadashi's Freckles, Yamaguchi Tadashi-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:41:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 31,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28021101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chanel775512/pseuds/chanel775512
Summary: “Tadashi-kun” he mumbled. “Kei isn't here. He moved out around three months ago.”They sat in silence, Yamaguchi's fingers lightly scratching the armchair fabric. Something was wrong, and he could tell by the way how his gut felt heavy and a bitter taste took over his mouth and forced him to swallow dry that he needed to find Tsukishima immediately.“Where is he?”***After a long internship in Tokyo, Yamaguchi is back in Miyagi and ready to find out why his best friend stopped answering his calls and messages for the past few months.
Relationships: Tanaka Saeko/Yachi Hitoka, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: He will never wake up again [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2052450
Comments: 14
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

Uneasiness was not new to Yamaguchi —much on the contrary. Even as a child, his head was constantly clinging to worst case scenarios, uncomfortably aware of his own physical presence and how others reacted to it. The never-ending tickle at the back of his neck, slight pinches on his chest, and cold sweaty palms never truly left him, but they got better.

They got especially better when _he_ was around..

Maybe it was the way Tsukishima's height and stoic façade intimidated others, keeping those who would otherwise tease Yamaguchi at least a few feet away. That was undeniably amazing, but it wasn't all. He would like to say that being next to the blonde made his world appear brighter, but while it might capture the feeling, it wasn't true. The world did not appear brighter at all, and he loved it. The sensory overload he would normally experience while alone suddenly came to a halt when the other entered his field of vision. Reality seemed to bend around his silhouette, swirling in shades of light blue and honey, time stopping as eyes locked from across the hallway or for a split second during class. It was only with him that he could finally feel like he could breathe, that butterflies and little flowers growing through pavement cracks became noticeable.

It was funny how Tsukishima was now precisely the one causing a thin layer of sweat to cover his temples and his fingers to fidget inside his pockets.

“Tadashi-kun?” Akiteru smiled as he opened the door and gave him a warm hug. “Look at you! Damn, I'm getting old...”

Yamaguchi chucked and scratched the back of his head, not uncomfortable or displeased, but still caught off guard by the older's enthusiasm.

“Come on, it's freezing out here” the blonde gestured for him to get inside. “I guess it was a bit warmer in Tokyo. How was your internship?”

“Oh, it was great! A bit tiring, but I've learned so much...” Yamaguchi explained as he removed his shoes and took a few steps deeper into the living room.

The smell. It struck him so hard he even closed his eyes, loose scenes from late movie nights and study sessions flooding his mind along with a clench in the chest. Gosh, he had missed that smell. Everything felt practically the same. The furniture, the wind chimes outside, the family pictures. His eyes instinctively searched for and rested on the polaroid next to the main sofa. It was by far his favorite: Tsukishima giving the camera a wide, toothy smile as he held his new plastic dinosaur, a gift from his brother for his third birthday. His hair was slightly sweaty, like he had been running around, and his big happy eyes shone bright from the camera flash.

“Tea?” Akiteru handed him a mug and sat on the couch, deflating with a loud, tired sigh. “I'm glad you came by, Tadashi-kun. I was even thinking of reaching out for you myself, you know...”

“You were?” the boy sat on the armchair next to him.

“Yeah, I mean, to ask about Kei and all. We haven't spoken in a while.”

“You... haven't?”

“No” noticing Yamaguchi's expression, Akiteru straightened up. “I... We... We haven't fought or anything like that, but he has been pretty distant. I was hoping you... I thought you guys were talking.”

“We haven't spoken for at least four months” Yamaguchi nearly whispered, feeling all the blood leave his face. “He stopped answering my calls and even my texts. I was worried something might have happened to him, but Yachi told me she saw him around. I came here hoping...”

His voice died out. Akiteru stared at him for a bit too long, eyes growing wide and jaw slightly dropped.

“Tadashi-kun” he mumbled. “Kei isn't here. He moved out around three months ago.”

They sat in silence, Yamaguchi's fingers lightly scratching the armchair fabric. Something was wrong, and he could tell by the way how his gut felt heavy and a bitter taste took over his mouth and forced him to swallow dry that he needed to find Tsukishima immediately.

“Where is he?”

“I'll text you the address” Akiteru took his phone out of his pocket and began typing.

“I'm on my way” Yamaguchi put on his jacket and fixed his scarf. “Thanks for the tea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I hope you guys enjoy this fic. I have quite a few chapters done already, so updates should be somewhat frequent!


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn't far, but it sure felt like it. The neighborhood was a rather empty residential area, with only a tiny library, a terribly neglected playground next to what looked like a park, and a cheap looking coffee shop amongst the rows of pastel houses. He finally managed to find the housing complex, wandering around and going up and down staircases until he came across the right door.

Yamaguchi was apprehensive, but he wouldn't hesitate. He knocked softly and waited for an answer. Nothing. He knocked again, a bit louder, and was preparing to shout the other's name when a faint sound captured his attention.

_Click._

The door only moved a few centimeters. There was hardly any source of light other than the moon. Yet, he could see: he could see everything, as clear as day, like he had seen and admired almost every day for so many years. He couldn't breathe.

It was him.

He was different. His hair seemed slightly longer than he would usually wear it, and his features seemed off, a bit paler or bonier than Yamaguchi remembered, but it was him. Those big, round honey eyes staring at him through sharp glasses.

He closed the door on his face.


	3. Chapter 3

Yamaguchi stood there, absolutely immobile, for a few seconds —the dumb smile from when he first met the amber irises still carved into his face as he tried to figure out what had just happened.

The door opened again, this time even less than before. It was just enough for his voice to be heard.

"Wait, hum, stay there" he asked from the other side. "I'll be right back."

Yamaguchi could hear what sounded like glass clinking inside and a muffled rattling before the keys were finally turned again.

"May I come in now, Tsukki?" Yamaguchi pressed his lips in an attempted smile.

"Yeah, yeah, sorry about that. I was expecting the mailman" he fully opened the door and gestured for the other to come in. "Please."

It was a tiny apartment, but reasonably well organized. There were some loose sheets of paper and open notebooks around, but all of that was, Yamaguchi could tell from experience, an inevitable part of being a college student. The place was lacking pictures, or, rather, lacking anything that made it feel like an actual home. Apart from the volleyball in a corner and the strong smell of pine, there was hardly anything to link the apartment to his person.

"It's pretty cold outside. I'll make us some tea."

Yamaguchi thought about refusing, as he had just had a big mug back at Akiteru's, but instead he took the opportunity to explore and followed the blonde to the kitchen. As the other mumbled about different flavors and boiled the water, he couldn't help but stare, moving his eyes up and down repeatedly in an attempt to assimilate everything as fast as possible. He liked how Tsukishima's hair looked before, but something in his chest fluttered as he analyzed the golden curls beginning to trace down his neck. The other changes, however, were not as endearing. The taller boy looked paler and thinner than ever before, and the area under his eyes varied from a yellowish red to a concerning purple near the waterline.

"You look different" Tsukishima smiled discreetly as he handed his friend a steaming mug and sat in front of him. "The hair and all."

Yamaguchi smiled and touched the loose bun at the back of his head. It wasn't much, but for someone who wouldn't even run fingers through his hair in fear of leaving his tiny comfort zone when it came to appearances, he had surely improved a lot. But it wasn't just that. His skin was still a bit tanned from summer, and while not exactly bulky, his body reflected how he had been training nearly every day at college and taking better care of his health overall.

"It looks nice" Tsukishima added, taking a sip from his own tea. The steam fogged his glasses, making Yamaguchi giggle.

"Thank you, Tsukki" he smiled widely as the other used his shirt to dry the lenses. "You've... changed quite a bit as well."

Tsukishima chuckled. It was dry, but not mean. While Yamaguchi's changes in regards to his appearance had been mostly positive, both of them knew it was not the case for him.

"Why..." Yamaguchi laid his mug softly on the counter. "Why did you stop answering my texts?"

The blonde brushed his lips softly against his own mug and looked to the side, pondering his answer.

"I was busy. College and stuff."

Yamaguchi snorted.

"Tsukki, I'm not mad" he tilted his head forward trying to catch the other's eyes. "But don't lie to me. Please."

Tsukishima pinched and caressed the dark blue fabric of his long sleeved shirt, eyes vague and staring at nothing in particular at the counter.

"I don't know, Yamaguchi. I wanted to, but I thought it was better this way."

"Better for what? For who?" he raised his voice. "I was worried sick! I would have called your brother or just hopped in a train back here if it weren't for Yachi. She always let me know when she spotted you around."

"That's kinda creepy."

"Well, if only you texted me back to let me know you were _alive_..." he leaned forward. "Or your brother. He was pretty worried too, you know? I can't believe you guys aren't talking."

"We are talking" Tsukishima finally met his eyes. "Just not as much. I... don't have time."

"Tsukki, I've already asked you to stop lyi..."

"Yamaguchi, please. I don't want to discuss this now, okay? I really don't."

He took a deep breath and gazed at the ground, panting slightly. Yamaguchi stared and stared at him, something inside him burning as he watched the blonde sink into his own thoughts. _Let me in_ , he wanted to scream. Had something happened while he was away? Had something or someone hurt him? His whole body ached to hug him tightly and bring him back, to suffocate the distance between them that felt so unnatural.

But his body wouldn't move. It didn't matter how much he had learned at college or how his appearance had changed; he felt helpless.

"You don't have to. I was just worried, but I'm glad you're okay" Yamaguchi smiled. "And I'm glad you don't... hate me."

Tsukishima chuckled and shook his head.

"Don't be stupid" he mumbled.

"Well, what was I supposed to think?" while the question was serious, his tone of relief lightened it. "You know, never mind. Have you eaten? I'm kinda hungry."

"Oh, yeah, it's getting late" Tsukishima looked around as if to confirm that it was, indeed, darkening outside. He got up and opened his fridge. "I can offer you... strawberry Jell-O?"

Yamaguchi left his chair and stood behind the blonde.

"Please, tell me that's not all you eat" he murmured, staring at the nearly empty shelves.

"I also have some crackers somewhere."

"You are a child" Yamaguchi rubbed his temples as the other glared at him. "Let's go out, dinner's on me."

"Honestly, I'm not that hung..."

"We're going. If you are not going to provide your body with real, adult food, I will."

"You're not my mom."

"Nope, I'm your best friend" he patted the taller at the back. "Put on warmer clothes, it's freezing out there."

Tsukishima rolled his eyes and went into the bedroom, closing the door behind him. While he got dressed, Yamaguchi decided to further explore the new apartment. There was one picture he had missed when first scanning the living room: framed and resting on a desk was a photograph of their high school volleyball team. He smiled at it, taking his time to study every single one of his teammates. Apart from Sugawara, Hinata, and Yachi, he hadn't really spoken to any of them for a while, but now that he was back in Miyagi, he hoped to meet the others at a reunion or maybe even at a party sometime.

"Here" Tsukishima got out of the bedroom. He had changed his sweatpants for a pair of jeans and put on a gray turtleneck sweater under a dark overcoat. Paired with the glasses, the dark eye-circles, and the messy hair, he sort of resembled a stereotypical mad writer or maybe an obsessed private investigator. Either way, it also sort of suited him.

"That cafe nearby looks pretty unappetizing, but I did see one on my way here that looked nice. It's a bit of a walk, though."

"You're the one paying" Tsukishima gave him a teasing grin.

The other scoffed, unable to hold back a wide smile.

While heading to the cafe, Yamaguchi did most of the talking. Tsukishima asked several questions about his stay at Tokyo, to which he would enthusiastically reply, not only because it had truly been quite an amazing experience, but also because he allowed himself to nurture certain pride around it. He was never one to brag, but it felt good to talk about something he had fought hard for and done considerably well.

They sat down next to a huge glass window and ordered their food and drinks. As Tsukishima sipped on his lemonade, Yamaguchi kept telling him about all the amazing professors he had met and even the friendships he made. The blonde seemed genuinely interested, asking for details and even giggling at the other's embarrassing moments away from home. Yamaguchi wanted to ask him more about his stay in Miyagi, but it felt so good and heartwarming to see his best friend laughing that he just kept going. Making Tsukishima smile so genuinely felt like a victory.

Their conversation slowed down a bit as they ate, but resumed after Tsukishima finished his sandwich. He usually just nibbled on his french fries and left the rest for Yamaguchi, a habit he had developed at childhood and that, even after months apart, had naturally found its way back to them. The blonde seemed oblivious to it, but Yamaguchi couldn't help but smile at how automatic it was.

"Are you doing anything tomorrow?" he asked.

"Tomorrow?" the blonde quickly glanced at the window, a slight pout forming on his lips as he pondered. "I am busy until two o'clock in the afternoon."

"Oh, so we could do something after that?"

Tsukishima turned back to him and shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess. But don't you have other people to meet? You've been gone for quite a while."

Yamaguchi couldn't quite pinpoint why, but he felt there was a hint of sadness, even apprehension, in the way his friend spoke. _Can't you tell I would rather be with you?_ His eyes locked with the other's for perhaps a bit too long, giving in to a mad hope that maybe, just maybe, if he held his gaze for long enough, the distance between them would finally begin to dissolve.

"I can see them in the morning. We'd still have the whole afternoon."

"Yamaguchi, you don't..." Tsukishima tilted his head downward and swallowed dry. "You don't have to."

_You idiot_.

"I am well aware of that, Tsukki. I am asking because I want to. I've missed you" he made a brief pause, the resumed in a slightly lower voice. "Quite a lot."

His eyes once again rested on the blonde, trying to take in as much as he could, to grasp something, anything, that could help him understand what was going on inside that stupid head of his. Watching him sink and sink deeper into his thoughts, sunken, weary eyes emptily staring at his surroundings as something ate him from the inside out made Yamaguchi feel, above powerless, pathetic. He might not be able to stand up for himself enough, but he would be damned if he ever allowed his best friend to feel anything less than loved and cared for.

"There is a park around here, right? It seemed pretty neat. We could go there, spend the evening. What do you say?"

The taller shrugged again, but there was now somewhat of a smile brightening his features.

"I'll meet you there, then. Four?"

"Four o'clock it is."


	4. Chapter 4

Just as planned, Yamaguchi met Yachi early in the morning. She was always an early bird, and he, well, he was not particularly excited about staying at home for too long. While his relationship with his parents was not bad, it definitely was not the best either. Both had always been way too busy with work to spend time with him, and, although he didn't blame them for it, Yamaguchi sometimes felt like they simply didn't get to know him. Their conversations were rarely about his current interests or struggles; instead, they were usually centered around his future, focusing mainly on his exams, job prospects, and even potential relationships with people he had hardly any interest in, but who his parents approved of for some reason. That's maybe why they didn't try to stop him when he skipped breakfast with them to go meet Yachi at a cafe, which he found quite funny since she was and had always been a hopeless lesbian —a little detail he would not let them learn about anytime soon.

“Tadashi!” she nearly yelled, pulling him in for a hug.

He laughed and hugged her back tightly, nearly tearing up. They spoke almost every single day through text messages and occasional video calls, but it did not compare to being face-to-face. He pulled her back slightly to take a better look.

“Your look great! I love your new hair!”

She smiled shyly and held a pinkish lock between her index and thumb. Despite her mother's objections, she had finally built up the courage to dye her hair strawberry blonde and chop it a little bit. It looked quite stylish paired with her outfit: a pink turtle neck tucked into high waisted jeans, all covered by a large black jacket. Being constantly surrounded by design students had not necessarily influenced her style, but it definitely helped make it bloom.

“I painted it the day before yesterday” she explained joyfully as they moved to their table. “I wanted to send you a picture right away, but I decided to wait and see your reaction!”

“It looks awesome! But wasn't your mom, like, super against...”

“Yep!” she tensed her shoulders and gave him a nervous smile.

He giggled and began to take a look at the menu.

“I'm glad you did it, though. It really suits you.”

“Thanks. And, yeah, me too. And well, she really loves me deep down, so she should get used to it...” she fidgeted a bit. “I hope.”

“She will, don't worry” he rested his hand on top of hers and squeezed.

“I know, I know” Yachi sighed. “Well, at least I have no regrets. Saeko helped me, and for that alone I'd do it again!”

Yamaguchi raised one eyebrow and crossed his arms, grinning as he shook his head.

“Saeko, huh?”

Yachi blushed so hard her skin almost blended with her hair.

“So, how's it going there?”

She let out a loud sigh and buried her face in her arms.

“I don't know, I don't know! Ugh, I'm not made for this” she gestured vigorously as she spoke. “I never know when she is being flirty or when she is just being friendly, but sometimes there is just no way she is just being friendly, and I...”

Yachi groaned and hid her face again. Yamaguchi laughed and patted her head, his fingers fluffing the now voluminous locks as the waitress approached them to take their orders. Aware that Yachi had barely taken a look at the menu, he asked a couple of questions about the beverages to buy her some time. Once they had both chosen what to have for breakfast, Yachi resumed their conversation:

“So, have you seen Tsukishima-kun?”

He exhaled tiredly and rested his chin on his palm.

“He isn't well, Yachi.”

“I could tell” she stared at the restless fingers atop her lap. “Do you know... why? N-not that you have to _tell_ _me_ why, bit do you at least _know_ why?”

“No, I don't” his torso deflated on the chair. “It's killing me, but he said he didn't want to talk about it, so I didn't push. Maybe I should have, I don't know...”

“He looks kind of... sickly, doesn't he? Do you think he might have something?”

“Do you think it could be something to do with his health?” he widened his eyes. “I didn't really consider it, but... But Akiteru would have known, right? I mean, he wouldn't hide it from his family... Would he?”

“Tadashi, don't worry. I'm sure he's fine” she gently enveloped his wrist with her fingers. “He's probably just not taking proper care of himself. Remember how picky he was back in high school? Sawamura-san always scolding him for not eating properly before practice and all that.”

He gave her a half smile.

“I mean it. I think it's common for people to look like absolute crap shortly after they move out from their parents'. My cousin from Osaka, I remember she was even anemic. She had a thing for sweet stuff and lived off of cake, energy drinks, and ice cream until she nearly passed out during class.”

“For real?”

“Yeah. From what I understood, I think she was sick in the middle of a lecture, in front of the entire class. If you ever meet her, don't tell her I told you!”

“Don't worry” he chuckled, Yachi's story pulling him back from the descending spiral inside his head.

“Well, after that she got a meal plan and today she is doing just fine. She has had a kid and I am pretty sure she’s begun hiking. So yeah, to sum it up, maybe he just needs to get used to not having his parents watch over his health for him.”

Yamaguchi nodded, still a little spaced out. He wanted to believe it would be just fine as it had been with Yachi's cousin, but something about the whole situation made his insides feel heavy. He was still lingering to uncomfortable "what ifs" inside his head when their food arrived.

“Come on, don’t worry about it too much. Let’s just eat now, yeah? Cold coffee when it's not supposed to be cold is just nasty” Yachi smiled, bringing her cup to her lips and blowing softly. “Are you guys meeting sometime?”

“Today. Afternoon.”

“Try again, then. Maybe he'll be more relaxed” she took a sip and grimaced, noticing a bit too late that her drink was still way too hot. “If there's someone he'll trust to open up, I bet it's you.”

“I hope you're right” he sighed and tried to loosen up, focusing on the warmth from the coffee steam reaching his cheeks.


	5. Chapter 5

Yamaguchi was a little early, so he decided to explore the park while Tsukishima didn't arrive. The blonde had just replied with a text saying ‘10 minutes’, which gave him more than enough time to take a look at the place and luckily find a nice spot for them to spend the afternoon.

The park was surprisingly big. When Yamaguchi first saw it back from the street, he had figured it wouldn't be that much larger than the area or his old high school building. However, as he crossed the little hills next to the entrance, he could see how it extended way further, hundreds of meters of grass and bushes encircled by what seemed like a small forest.

Just a couple of meters down the hill, surrounded by mossy rocks and tiny white flowers, was a pond. A few tables were set around it, but they didn't seem nearly as inviting as the soft, fluffy grass under his shoes. He walked past them and lay on his back, arms under his head, chest open under the imposing gray clouds closing in over him. Yamaguchi closed his eyes, muttering a silent prayer for the rain to hold back for _just a bit, just for today, just for them_...

“Yamaguchi?” Tsukishima nearly whispered, probably trying to check whether his friend was asleep.

“Tsukki!” he smiled and sat up straight. “Sorry, I was a bit early. We can move somewhere else if you want.”

“No, it's fine” he took off his headphones and placed them around his neck. “I'd figured you'd come to the pond. I like it here too.”

Yamaguchi glanced at him as he sat down, making an effort to be as discreet as possible. The first thing he noticed was how Tsukishima had likely just blow dried his hair, as it was fluffier than last time. The curls had lost a bit of definition, but they were still there, brushing softly against the exposed strip of pale skin. The rest of his neck was hidden under a dark red turtleneck sweater, similar to the gray one he had worn for dinner the previous night.

“Did you do something fun today?” the blonde asked, resting on his elbows.

“Oh, I had breakfast with Yachi. Then, we went to a library because she needed to buy a few books for a new class she's taking next semester. I ended up buying a new sketchbook and a couple of charcoal pencils.”

“I thought you hated those” he smirked slightly, raising a single eyebrow.

“I do” Yamaguchi chuckled. “But I really want to learn how to use them properly. I mean, if I figure out how to draw with those without smudging everything and getting myself all dirty, I honestly think I'll be able to take on any challenge.”

“Fair enough.”

“They were kind of expensive, though. Maybe it was stupid of me to buy them...” Yamaguchi sighed and threw his head back. “I never have time to draw these days, anyway.”

“Nah, I think you did the right thing” Tsukishima lay on his back and stared vaguely at the clouds for a while. “If it helps keep your head in the right place, you should keep drawing. You can start from there and then find a way to accommodate your college or work obligations around it.”

The other smiled, a warm feeling spreading across his chest.

“I guess you're right, Tsukki. I'll try that.”

They sat in silence for a while, the wind gently stroking their faces and blowing their hair back. Tsukishima brought his hands up in a cup and blew in-between his palms. Yamaguchi stared at them for a while, entangled long, elegant fingers curled against his lips and resting right under his nose, the tip slightly reddened by the cold. Was it bad that he wanted to warm them himself?

“Do you want to go somewhere else?” he asked again, making an effort to move his eyes away from the other's hands.”It's getting a bit too cold.”

“I'm good” Tsukishima muttered against his fingers, his bottom lip brushing ever so slightly against them as he spoke. “It's gonna start snowing tomorrow... It may be harder to meet up out here for a while. But if you're too cold, we can move.”

“I'm fine” Yamaguchi caressed the damp grass, which was now beginning to warm up under his body. “You really like it here, huh?”

“Yeah, I come often” he played with a tiny white flower. “They're probably going to die because of the snow, you know...”

He pulled one out of the floor and held it close to the shorter’s face.

“Looks like a star, doesn't it? The disposition of the petals, I mean” he handed it to him, their fingers stroking for a split of a second, sending shivers down Yamaguchi’s shoulder blades and arms. “During summer, they face upwards. When you look from above and it’s dark, kind of resembles a night sky. It's pretty cool.”

“I would like to draw that sometime” he spun the stem between his index and thumb, the pointy petals reminding him of a paper wind vane. “Tsukki?”

The other didn't turn to face him, probably aware of what was about to come.

“You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to” he sighed. “But I'm worried. You look weak, and you look kind of sick, and... kind of sad?”

Tsukishima chuckled.

“Was that a question?”

“You know it wasn't” Yamaguchi leaned over him, still keeping a safe distance between them to avoid making the other feel trapped. “You just don't look like yourself, and I don't know when or why this began, but I wish you would talk to me now, help me understand...”

“There isn't anything to understand, Yamaguchi” the blonde took off his glasses and wiped the already clean lenses. “I don't... I honestly don't even understand it myself.”

_That's a start._

“But you realize there's something wrong, at least...”

“Of course I do. I'm not blind” he raised his voice a bit and looked away. “I know I look like shit. I know Akiteru’s worried, you’re worried, I know all that..”

Tsukishima made a long pause, his jaw clenched tightly as he stared at the pond. Yamaguchi wanted to say something, but he wouldn't have been able to use his voice at that moment if his life depended on it. His airways felt completely blocked by something heavy and sticky, his insides melting into an uncomfortable weight that rendered him paralyzed.

“I'm not stupid. I just... I really don't think I can talk about it yet. I don't even know where I would begin.”

“Why don't you try?” Yamaguchi knew it could startle and intimidade the other, but he didn't think fast enough before enveloping the other's wrist. “If you can't make sense of it yet, let me help you. We can figure it out together, I know we can!”

He was nearly panting. His eyes scanned the blonde's face in desperate search for an answer: an eyelid twitch, a lip tremble, the tiniest movement of his eyebrows would have been enough. When the taller pulled his wrist back, it felt like a slightly stronger blow of wind would have wiped him away like dust.

“I'm sorry, Yamaguchi, but I really hate this. I don't think I can just talk about it like that, at least not right now. I'm sorry for making you worry and pulling you and Akiteru into this, it was the last thing I wanted.”

The blonde held his forehead and exhaled unsteadily. Yamaguchi could nearly hear his thoughts; he could tell how he gave in to the idea of being a burden to others, how he rapidly lost respect for himself and descended into a spiral of self-loathing. That line of thinking was not at all new to him, which was probably why he was so quick to spot it in others, especially in the one person in the world who he might know even better than he knew himself.

“It's fine, Tsukki” he touched his shoulder in an attempt to get his attention and make him open his eyes, but the other kept them hidden under his palm. “I didn't invite you here just to question you. If you don't want to talk about it, we really don't have to.”

“I'm sorry” he ran his fingers through his hair, moving a few loose strands away from his face.

“You don't have to apologize” _you never have to apologize to me_. “There is so much I didn't get to tell you yesterday.”

He told him about someone he had met back in Tokyo, a middle-aged paleontology professor who specialized in pterodactyls. Almost instantaneously, Tsukishima's expression changed, the tense and weary features lighting up into childlike curiosity. During their first months of friendship, Yamaguchi learned the power of the dinosaur card. He knew he couldn't overuse it, so he saved it for special occasions, like when Tsukishima got a bad grade or had an argument with his brother. It was quite infallible, and being aware of this trick made Yamaguchi feel as if he had a hidden superpower.

“He was organizing this exposition back at the university” he reached for his wallet and grabbed a tiny green card. “You can look his name up later, if you want. It's going to be open for visitors in a couple of months, maybe we could go check it out.”

“Go to Tokyo?” Tsukishima raised an eyebrow.

“Why not? We can get a bullet train early in the morning, spend the day there and head back around six or seven.”

“I... I guess we could” the blonde smiled subtly, eyes fixed on the card.

Yamaguchi leaned closer to better explain the information contained on the tiny piece of paper, their arms and shoulders pressed and rested against each other as he spoke. Focusing became much harder while he fought the haze clouding his mind, threatening to melt his thoughts under the warmth that radiated from the elbows to the rest of his body.

He just wanted to close his eyes and linger on that warmth, but it wasn't the right time. Aware of his victory in bringing Tsukishima back, he decided to keep on talking about their potential visit to the exposition and other fun things they could do in the capital. They could even visit their old friends from Nekoma, who would definitely be much better guides than Yamaguchi.

Bit by bit, after months of not speaking, they were beginning to untangle the distance between them, knots and strands keeping them uncomfortably apart since their first encounter gradually giving in to something much freer and yet much stronger, something Yamaguchi couldn't see or touch, but that pulled him with such intensity that it was nearly impossible to resist.

“It will be great” Yamaguchi smiled wide, noticing the gentle upward tilt at the end of the other’s lips.

The clouds began to disperse as they spoke, like the sun had decided to eavesdrop on their conversation before setting. Tsukishima propped himself up on his elbows and sat down. He stared ahead for a while, tense shoulders loosening up under warm sunset. Yamaguchi stared at the luminous line of his profile, at how it resembled melted gold glazing down his forehead, up his nose-bridge, and enveloping the curve of his bottom lip. He turned back, eyes locking as the sun rays shining from behind bathed the golden locks, creating a luminous crown around his head.

_I love you_. That was the only thought Yamaguchi’s mind was able to put together, so he clung to it, he clung to it like it was the last string attaching him to the present, like he would dismantle and disappear if he dared to think anything else. Never before had he been able to actually form that sentence so clearly and openly inside his head, and yet it felt so right, like it had always been there, lurking at the the very surface of his subconscious, waiting patiently for the dam to open and let those three words take over.

_I love you, I love you, I love you._

Could Tsukishima feel it too? Could he feel how each and every cell, each and every atom in his body was hopelessly drawn to him, how every millimeter of skin and every nerve ached to be near him in ways that might not be physically possible? Would he ever be aware of how his presence made the limits of Yamaguchi's body blur and blend with everything around them, of how there was no longer I or you and the mere idea of them now terrified him to the core, of how, at that moment, he was nearly convinced that he would be able to breathe in the sun if he inhaled hard enough?

There was no way he did, at least not like that. If the other could feel half the painful, desperate need his own body was experiencing watching the golden halo adorne his features, they would have long collapsed against each other.

“It's getting cold” Tsukishima whispered. It felt warm, intimate.

“Yeah...” Yamaguchi's voice died out as he pulled himself back from his transe. “Y-Yeah, you're right, Tsukki. Wanna go back to my place?”

He had to fight back the urge to cover his mouth as soon as the words left it. Why did he feel that way? They had spent countless nights at each other's during elementary and high school, he saw him way more than he saw his own parents, and, yet, he couldn't help but feel like he was pushing over a new, awful limit silently yet steadily built between them during the months they had spent apart.

“Ok” the other pressed his lips in a soft smile, one that would have been hard to spot for an outside observer, but had the power to make every inch of Yamaguchi's skin feel like it was about to combust.

Tsukishima stood up and offered a hand to Yamaguchi, which the latter gladly took and held onto as he got back to his feet. They left the park in silence, but soon resumed chatting on the sidewalk, their exchange mostly consisting of Yamaguchi trying to convince the other to meet up with him and Yachi sometime between the current and the following week. Tsukishima didn't seem particularly excited, but he didn't refuse either, meaning there was a slight chance he might actually join them for an afternoon.

“Kei-kun!” Yamaguchi's mother smiled widely when she opened the door. “Tadashi, you didn't tell me you were bringing friends over! I would have prepared something for you.”

“Please, Yamaguchi-san, I really don't mean to disturb” Tsukishima smiled politely. “I won't be here for long.”

“At least stay for dinner! Have your parents been feeding you well?”

The blonde chuckled awkwardly and was about to decline her invitation when he saw the pleading look on his friend's face.

“I... I suppose I could stay. Thank you very much.”

The boys left their shoes by the entrance and got inside, the warmth from the living room heater pinching their noses and cheekbones as they removed their heaviest coats.


	6. Chapter 6

After dinner, Yamaguchi's mother tried to convince Tsukishima to spend the night. Yamaguchi wanted to die of embarrassment, aware that his mother didn’t know they had spent such a long time without even messaging each other, but he would be lying if he said he didn't cling to a twinge of hope once she was done with the invitation. The blonde, however, was quick to decline, thanking her for the hospitality. While his limbs felt like deflated balloons, Yamaguchi knew he could use a night alone to sort out the intense feelings from earlier and perhaps make sense of everything that had been going on between them.

As Tsukishima put on his shoes and fixed his coat, Yamaguchi made him agree to meet his brother on the following day. He asked why and clicked his tongue, but didn't say no. The awareness that he had to contact his brother sooner or later had certainly been lurking around the blonde's mind for quite a while, and he might as well just get it over with. He called Akiteru before leaving, staring at Yamaguchi and raising his eyebrows almost defiantly as they made plans.

"Happy?" he clicked his tongue again after ending the call. Yamaguchi smiled and offered to walk the other home or help him at least get a cab, to which the blonde responded with a light scoff as he turned around and waved.

***

It was now the end of the afternoon, and Yamaguchi stood in front of his best friend's door for a quick visit after having had his messages and calls ignored all day.

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi knocked softly on his door. “It's me.”

He waited for a moment, anticipation slowly giving in to disappointment as he stood there with no response. Maybe he wasn't home yet? The boy searched for a bell button and pressed it, leaning towards the door in hopes that Tsukishima could open it at any second. He heard the blonde cough a few times inside the apartment, confirming that he was, indeed, already in there, so he waited, waited and waited until it got ridiculous.

“Tsukki? It's Yamaguchi. I know you're in there” he knocked again. “May I come in?”

“Go away.”

Those two words hit so hard he almost stumbled on his feet.

“Are you okay?” he was now nearly banging on the door. “Please, let me in!”

“Go away!” Tsukishima's voice sounded unusually dragged.

_Is he... drunk?_

“If you don't open this door right now, I'm... calling your brother! A-and your mother!” he hit the door again. “And the police! Yeah, I'm calling the police! I'm warning you, Tsukki!”

The other groaned loudly and unlocked the door. Yamaguchi burst into the apartment, ready to scold him until his ears bled when he noticed how dark the apartment was. Tsukishima stood just a couple of feet away from him, flinching slightly at the sun rays coming from the wide open entrance. Atop his coffee table sat a half empty glass bottle.

“You...” he could feel the blood leaving his face and his eyes widen. “You _are_ drunk.”

“I'm not...”

“You are!” Yamaguchi took a step closer. “Don't you dare lie to me right now!” he kept alternating his gaze between the bottle and his friend, unable to tell which sight hurt less. “I... I can't believe this!”

“Stop making such a fuss about it” Tsukishima murmured. “I'm an adult, for fuck's sake...”

“What are you saying?” he laughed painfully. “You want me to believe that there is nothing wrong with you drinking all by yourself in a dark apartment?”

“Yeah, that's precisely it!” Tsukishima's left hand cautiously searched for support as he spoke. Yamaguchi could tell the other was trying hard not to move too much, probably because he knew that it would be pathetically easy to fall. “Please, leave me alone.”

“Like hell!” he scoffed. “You can barely stand. I'm not leaving you like this.”

“Yamaguchi, I'm telling you to leave my apartment” the blonde raised his voice. “Go! I don't want you here.”

“Did I ask you what you wanted? Did I? I'm staying here, whether you like it or not.”

Yamaguchi leaned closer to further analyze his friend's condition. Tsukishima tried to take a step back, losing his balance and nearly tripping in the process. He would have hit the ground hadn't the other grabbed him first, bringing him upwards and towards him, like he was pulling him into a hug. Whether or not Yamaguchi intended to embrace him at the end didn't matter, as Tsukishima was quick to push him away, collapsing on the floor right after.

“I told you to leave!” he yelled from the ground, recovering from the dull fall on his knee. “I don't need you here! I don't want you here! Just fucking _leave_!”

Yamaguchi took a deep breath. Every single word coming from the blonde's mouth made his chest clench. Tsukishima was never particularly kind or warm, but he had never, not even during their childhood, yelled at him like that. He knew, by the way how his eyes stung and his throat tightened, that he was close to crying.

“You're shaking, Tsukki” he whispered, resting his palm tenderly on the other's back as he kneeled next to him. “Are you hurt? Did you hurt your knee?”

“I'm fine.”

“Okay, I believe you” he moved his fingers up and down the other's spine. “It's okay, everything's okay.”

He could feel the other's muscles, one by one, loosen up under his caress. After a couple of minutes, Tsukishima was practically leaning against him, his guard down for the time being.

“I'm not mad, Tsukki, I'm just worried” he muttered close to the taller's head, inhaling the scent of his shampoo as he attempted to calm himself down as well. It was herbal, but with unmistakable hints of honey, and so soothingly familiar Yamaguchi would probably be able to recognize it in the split of a second no matter how long he went by without smelling it. “It would be good if you washed your face. Do you think you can do that?”

The other gave him a weak nod.

“Good, good. Let's get up, then.”

With that said, he began the slow process of getting them both back on their feet. One of his hands was firm under the other's elbow while the other rested against his waist, supporting the blonde's torso close to his own body. Holding on to that spot, he guided his friend to the bathroom and sustained him as he repeatedly splashed cold water on his face.

They got back to the living room, where Tsukishima was carefully accommodated on the couch.

“I'm going to bring you some water and food, okay? Don't move.”

Yamaguchi took the bottle from the coffee table, emptied its content on the sink and threw it away before turning to the fridge. He took a mental note to take the other grocery shopping first thing in the morning as he grabbed a bit of leftover rice and a few crackers. They made a pretty bland snack, but it would have to do. He heated the rice and placed it in a bowl as fast as he could, grabbing a spoon before heading back to his friend.

“It's a bit hot, but it won't burn. I checked” he was about to hand him the bowl, but stopped midway. “Do you think you can hold it by yourself?”

Tsukishima's incredulous glance was enough of an answer.

“Sorry, sorry” Yamaguchi giggled, giving him the recipient and the spoon.

He watched the blonde down a few spoonfuls before fetching him a glass of water and placing it on a pile of old National Geographic magazines. The first one, "Guide to the Night Sky", was one he recalled Akiteru gave them when they first went camping back in elementary school. He had seen on the news that there would be a meteor shower and decided to take them along to watch, which was probably just an excuse to spend time with his younger brother after the last couple weeks: the aftermath of that volleyball game. Tsukishima hated dishonesty and idolized his brother, so his reaction to being lied to by Akiteru was understandably quite intense. He would spend as much time as possible at Yamaguchi’s, which the latter would have enjoyed if his friend didn’t look so miserable.

“Remember you lost your glasses?” Yamaguchi chuckled, lifting the water glass to grab the magazine.

The other hummed, beginning to form somewhat of a smile.

“You found them under the tent.”

“Yeah, it was the only place we hadn't looked” his heart fluttered recalling the victory.

Tsukishima dropped the spoon into the half-full bowl and used his now free hand to draw an imaginary line on Yamaguchi's forearm. The latter held his breath, watching as the other's index finger slid across his skin, the soft tip leaving behind a shivery, yearning trace.

“Remember this one?” his finger stopped and rested on a single freckle, the area around it heating like it would catch on fire at any second.

_Like I could ever forget_.

“Cepheus, wasn't it?” he muttered, trying to mask the euphoric unsteadiness lingering to the end of every word.

The other hummed again and moved on to another set of freckles. Yamaguchi closed his eyes, his entire existence momentarily condensed into those few inches of skin. Everything seemed to spiral around him, drawn by the attractive pull fueled by the blonde's touch. He was convinced that, if he looked down, his veins would be glowing bright blue.

“So? Remember this one?”

“O-oh, hum... Pisces?”

“Right” he smiled.

From the bottom of his heart, Yamaguchi blessed Akiteru's existence. On that evening, before sunset, Tsukishima was still a bit bitter and kept complaining, as he read their guide, about how the disposition of the stars didn't resemble anything at all. His older brother took his time to explain to him how he had to use his imagination, and how easy it was to spot patterns in nature when one actively searched for them. In order to bring Yamaguchi into their conversation, he jokingly took his forearm and connected four freckles, tracing a square. Noticing how the younger was still rather unamused, Akiteru grabbed his star guide and managed to find a few constellations that more or less resembled the arrangement of light brown spots on the boy's skin. Seeing how it eventually piqued his friend's interest, Yamaguchi felt, perhaps for the first time since his early childhood, happy to have freckles.

That evening was something he remembered nearly every day, but he had assumed Tsukishima would have forgotten by now.

Apparently not.

“Can you finish your rice?” the other shook his head. “Okay, then have some water.”

The taller took a few sips and laid the glass back on his coffee table. Yamaguchi followed him to his sink, where he brushed his teeth and splashed water on himself again. He held the towel against his face for a bit too long, probably immersed in thought and regret as sobriety slowly gained its way back. Tsukishima slowly slid the towel down and rested it on his neck, staring at his reflection in the mirror. He looked exhausted. Defeated. Yamaguchi stepped closer and laid a hand on his shoulder, fingers pressing affectionately as he pulled his friend closer to him.

They left the bathroom in silence. The blonde lay on his bed and sighed, staring at his friend with an indecipherable expression as he adjusted the blankets over his body.

“I'm sorry, Yamaguchi” he mumbled, closing his eyes when the other reached out to remove his glasses and place them carefully over his nightstand.

“It's fine, Tsukki. I'm just glad you're okay for now” Yamaguchi kneeled next to the bed. “Try to get some sleep now, yeah?”

“Are you leaving?”

“No” he shook his head. “I'm staying over, ok? I’ll be in the living room. Call me if you need anything.”

“There are blankets in the second drawer. You can borrow my clothes if you want” Tsukishima muttered, half-asleep. “I'm sorry, I'm...”

“Stop apologizing. I'm not mad. We'll talk about it tomorrow, ok?”

“Ok” it was barely audible. He blinked a few times, taking longer and longer to reopen his eyes until tiredness overpowered him.

Yamaguchi stood there for a moment, eyes rested on the blonde's peaceful expression. His chest moved up and down in a steady, soothing rhythm. Embraced by the silence and the dim moonlight, the shorter came to realize how tired he was as well. Maybe it was just psychological, but it still weighed on his limbs and eyelids. He stood up, borrowed a pair of sweatpants, a hoodie, and a thick blanket from the closet. Not even bothering to go change in the bathroom, he slipped into the warm clothes while seating on the couch, pulled the blanket over his body and dozed off.


	7. Chapter 7

He wasn't sure what woke him up. Maybe it was the dim sunlight coming through the window, the strong smell of coffee or the clattering from the kitchen. It didn't really matter. Yamaguchi stretched his arms and back, rubbed his eyes and inhaled deeply, the sweet burnt smell from the coffee helping pull him back from the warm haze clouding his mind.

After blinking a few times and taking a look around, he began to recall the previous night.

“Tsukki?” he called, his voice still raspy.

The blonde turned around and glanced at him from the kitchen, staring for perhaps a bit too long before mumbling:

“You're awake.”

Tsukishima filled two mugs and brought them to the living room, handing one to his friend before sitting down next to him. Yamaguchi thanked him and took a sip of his steaming beverage while he pondered what to say, stopping for a moment when he realized how nice it tasted. It hadn't been that long since the last time Tsukishima made him coffee, but the fact that the blonde still remembered exactly how he liked it —two spoons of sugar and half milk — it still made his chest clench.

It almost made his forget how mad he was. Almost.

“So...” the taller broke the silence, his thumb sliding up and down the porcelain. “Thank you for...”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” Tsukishima nearly flinched at the curse word, unaccustomed to his friend's use of them. “What the hell were you doing?”

“I...” the other lowered his gaze, his Adam's apple going up and down. “You... You didn't call Akiteru, right?”

“Wha...”

“I remember you mentioning him at some point last night. But you didn't call him, right?”

“N-no, I didn't...” the blonde's shoulders dropped as he exhaled in relief. “But Tsukki, that's not...”

“Not what?” Yamaguchi could see tensions rapidly finding its way back to the other's features. It was clear he didn't want to talk about it, but there was no way they could keep pushing this conversation away.

“Why were you drinking?” something twisted inside him. It had to be now. “No, that's not all. Tsukki, I can't keep pretending everything’s fine. You look awful. You're thin, and you're ashen, and you look like you haven't slept in ages. You weren't talking to me and it hurt, it hurt a lot, but it hurt even worse when I found out you hadn't been talking to your own family either. You are just out here, living completely alone in this cold apartment, barely taking care of your health and getting drunk by yourself like a fucking forty year-old alcoholic or something!”

He was panting, hot tears pouring down his face.

“I hate this. I hate this so much. Seeing you like this, I mean” he nearly choked on a sob. “I care about you so much, so fucking much... And, honestly, I don't know what to do. I've been trying to be patient and give you time to open up, but you never do and I really just can't take this anymore! Please, tell me what's wrong, just try...”

Tsukishima stared at him with wide open eyes.

“I...” his voice cracked. He cleared his throat, his eyes still fixed on his sobbing best friend. “I'm sorry. I didn't... I didn't know you felt that way.”

“Stop apologizing, for fuck's sake, just stop apologizing” Yamaguchi pulled on the fabric under his hands, an unconscious attempt to redirect the pressure on his chest and throat.

Tsukishima's body was tense, as if he were about to take action. He could hug his friend, he could get up and walk away, he could do so many things, but he didn't. He stayed there, breathing slowly as his eyes began to shift from Yamaguchi to the patterns of thread on his pants.

“I don't know what to tell you, Yamaguchi” the blonde mumbled softly. “I wish I could tell you something specific. Like, an event to justify all this shit, but I really didn't have that. I was a little sad, I guess. Stressed out. Had a pretty hard time sleeping. Honestly, I don't know. I just remembered my dad used to drink when he couldn't fall asleep and I tried it once and it just worked. So I kept doing that, and then I just began to do it more and more, whenever I felt anxious... I don't know when it got this bad. I hadn't really stopped to think about it until you caught me.”

“Why would you do something your dad...” Yamaguchi swallowed painfully. He recalled all the nights Tsukishima's mother had sent him to sleep over at his house, how the blonde arrived pale and wide eyed, how he'd cry himself to sleep and refuse to explain what was going on. “Why are you just telling me this now?” Yamaguchi wiped his tears away with the back of his hands. “Why? I could have listened, I could have helped...”

“You were so happy about your internship. And Akiteru had just gotten engaged, and my other friends were out there getting their lives together and doing so well...” he fixed his glasses. “I just didn't want to bring anybody down with my problems.”

“What are you saying?” the dark haired boy trembled. “You would never bring us down! I-I can’t believe you think like that! What actually brings me down is knowing you were suffering all this time and hurting yourself and... and I had no idea...”

“I just didn't want this to happen. I didn't want to make you feel bad...”

“This wouldn't have happened if you...” Yamaguchi had to stop and catch his breath for a strong sob. “If you hadn't kept all this to yourself for so long! We could have figured something out right from the beginning.”

Tsukishima sighed heavily and rubbed his temples. His hand slid across his forehead, hiding his clenched eyes for a few seconds before he opened them again.

“You're right. I'm sorry, Yamaguchi.”

“I don't want you to apologize. I want you to get help” he turned to his friend. “I will be here for you, Tsukki, I'll alway be here for you. But you need help. Professional help.”

“Like... therapy?”

“Yes, just like therapy. Please. If you don't want to bring me down, like you said you didn't, do it.”

“Okay.”

Yamaguchi blinked a few times, having anticipated some type of resistance from his friend. Tsukishima pressed his lips in a soft smile and looked at him. He seemed tired. Docile. Those empty eyes were distant from the sharp, determined ones he had become fascinated with in high school. Yet, they were the same golden eyes, from the same boy who he had grown up with, who he knew better than anyone, the same boy he might have fallen for.

“You promise?”

“Yeah, I promise.”

Yamaguchi wiped his tears away and took a couple of deep breaths, exhaling slowly and shakily each time. In some ways, he felt relieved Tsukishima was no longer pretending to be fine. A first wall had come down, but now they still had a long and unpredictable path unfolding ahead of them. There wasn't much to be certain about, except that he would be by the blonde's side regardless, even if he didn't want him to, yelled at him to leave, even if it took a lifetime.

“Would you...” Tsukishima cleared his throat. “Would you like to go get some breakfast?”

The other nodded and sniffled one last time, giving his best to put up a smile. They got changed, Yamaguchi borrowing one of his friend's long sleeved shirts and pairing it with his pants from the previous day. The shirt felt gentle against his skin and enveloped him in the blonde's pine scent, a feeling that, while comforting, now made a weird tingle run down his chest and stomach. His body suddenly felt too hot for the long sleeves. He shook his head and tried to focus on anything other than the soft brush of the fabric around his wrists.

The blonde was taking his t-shirt off. Yamaguchi caught him right after he took it out, that moment when the shoulder blades come back to resting position, making nearly every muscle around the spine move like agitated sea currents slowing down until they leave behind a smooth, sculptured frame of soft and pale skin. He wanted to feel it. He wanted to brush his fingers across his shoulders, feel the shivers under the trail of his fingertips, have the other hold his breath for his caress, similar to what the other had done to him the previous night when he traced his freckles.

Yamaguchi looked away. He was beginning to actually hate those feelings. He was well aware they could mess everything up, ruin the best friendship he had, but he couldn't help them. It was like his whole body was being crushed and could only find true relief when he saw the other.

They finished getting dressed and headed for the same coffee shop from the other day. There was a bit of snow from the previous night on the sidewalk and atop roofs, reflecting the first rays of sunrise and making everything look and feel, for some reason, like the aftermath of something. Yamaguchi loved the look of it, and, above that, he simply loved snow. He crouched near a big snow heap and grabbed a handful, molding it into a ball.

“Your hands will get cold.”

“They already are” he chuckled, smoothing the ball's surface with his bare fingers. He played with it for a little while and then threw the ball against a stop sign, aiming for its center.

“Nice one” Tsukishima scoffed as Yamaguchi pouted, both having watched the snowball barely hit the outside of the sign. “Ok, now, may I?”

Yamaguchi looked at him in confusion. The blonde pulled one of his hands and sandwiched it between his own.

Yamaguchi's lips parted slightly as he watched the other's pale fingers envelop his own. It felt soft and warm and sent an euphoric heartbeat to drum against his ears. It bothered him that the numbness from the cold made it hard to feel anything against his skin, which was maybe why his eyes had decided to take over; if he couldn't feel the contact, he would at least make sure every single inch of touching hands would be imprinted in his mind.

“Ok, the other.”

“Your hands are cold, too” Yamaguchi giggled, handing him his left hand.

“So you don't think this helps?” the blonde raised an eyebrow, somewhat of a smirk marked at the corner of his lips.

“Nah, it does” he opened and closed his right hand as to prove the numbness had improved.

Tsukishima chuckled and let a smile sit on his face for a while as they resumed their walk towards the café, Yamaguchi’s hand still squeezed between the blonde’s. They turned on the sidewalk and gave a few steps before the taller's eyes caught something, his head turning back gradually until he finally stopped and held his breath.

“Wait, come here!” he intertwined his fingers with Yamaguchi's and pulled him along, jogging towards a poster glued loosely to a convenience store. “No way...”

“What is it, Tsukki?” the other asked, barely able to contain his smile as his gaze alternated between the blonde's excited expression and their hands.

“It's...” his eyes scanned the poster top to bottom repeatedly. “They will be presenting Beethoven's String Quartet number 16...”

Yamaguchi stood there with a forced smile on his face, staring intensely at his friend in hopes that he would take the hint.

He clearly wouldn't.

“What about it?”

“Oh, ok, so have you read _The Unbearable Lightness of Being_?” Yamaguchi shook his head. “By Milan Kundera? No? Well, fine, so I can't really summarize the book's actual plot because it would sound boring if I did, but it deals with two couples-”

“Wait, _you_ reading something romantic?”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi” the blonde fixed his glasses. “So, _as I was saying_ , it takes place in Prague during the Cold War, and if focuses specially on the relationships between Tomas and Tereza, and Sabina and Franz. Right at the beginning of the book, the narrator begins discussing Nietzsche's Eternal Return and Parmenides' idea of opposites representing a positive and a negative, such as light and dark, warm and cold.” his eyes wandered a bit before meeting his friend’s gaze. “Yamaguchi, if I were to ask you, would you say heavy is positive or negative?”

“Huh?”

“Like, warm and light are positive, right? So, according to this logic, what is positive: lightness or heaviness?”

Yamaguchi opened his mouth to confidently answer "heavy", but then he closed it again. He pictured a rock sinking in contrast to a feather freely floating in the air.

“Well, yeah, I don't really know either” Tsukishima smiled. “But well, that is explored throughout the whole novel, so I guess it's good that you can't answer easily. There is this opposition of the heavy, which would kind of be associated to a monogamous and intense love Tereza yearns for, and especially to the Eternal Return, since every action and every moment would be repeated infinitely and forever, while lightness is linked both to Tomaz and Sabina, who enjoy casual sex, pleasure, not taking anything too seriously, and also the lack of meaning in your actions without the Eternal Return.”

Yamaguchi's eyes were wide open, hypnotized by the other's enthusiasm. He was a bit mad to have their fingers untangled, but it was worth watching the blonde excitedly gesticulate as he spoke.

“At some point, Tomaz decides he is going to leave Zurich and go after Tereza in Prague. He goes to his boss and tells him ‘es muss sein!’, which translates from German to ‘it must be’. It comes from this string quartet.” he pointed at the poster. “In his manuscript, right in the introductory slow chords of the last movement, Beethoven wrote ‘muss es sein?’, or ‘must it be?’. Later on, he responds with, ‘es muss sein!’. When Tomaz says it, it means that he sees Tereza as his fate, so as something inevitable in his life. Him being the portrayal of ‘lightness’, this embrace of fate and even of Beethoven, who he doesn’t really like and thinks is a heavy and frown guy, sort of represents his acceptance of Tereza's own ‘weight’. He is willing to love her and be with her, at least at that very moment.”

“Tsukki, I...” Yamaguchi could feel his eyes sting. _Don't cry, idiot, don't cry_. “That is... beautiful. Can... Can we go watch it?”

“You want to come?” Tsukishima's face seemed to light up, and he even fixed his posture. The movement made a little strand of hair fall over one of his lenses, and Yamaguchi had to use all his willpower not to tug it back.

“Yes, definitely! I'm sold!”

“Cool, then I'll but the tickets online later” he took a picture of the poster with his cellphone.


	8. Chapter 8

After breakfast, they headed back to Tsukishima's apartment. The blonde bought them the tickets, refusing to let the other pay him back. While he finished the purchase, Yamaguchi noticed an alarming amount of missed calls and messages on his phone, all from the same person.

"What happened?" he moved to the back of the living room to avoid disturbing his friemd.

" _Tadashi, I hate you, I hate you!_ " Yachi's voice was shaking on the other end. " _Why didn't you answer? I called you, like, a gazillion times!_ "

"Sorry, I was out with Tsukki" he looked back at the blonde, who was busy printing the tickets.

" _The whole morning? Could't pick up the phone for a damn second?_ " she yelled. Yamaguchi flinched and backed away from the phone. It was so loud even Tsukishima heard it and frowned as to ask if everything was ok, to which the other responded with an embarrassed chuckle and a nod.

"Sorry, Yachi, I'm very sorry" he whispered, hoping she would follow his lead. "I'll be more attentive from now on. But hey, will you tell me what happened?"

Yachi went on to tell him about how she had gone to a party with Saeko the previous night, and how, after a few drinks, she might have been a bit too friendly towards her friend.

" _I never drink! I never drink, you know me, Tadashi!_ "

"Ok, so what happened then?"

" _I was so embarrassed, and she was taking care of me and trying to get me to eat something and I wanted to cry because I thought I was ruining her night!"_ she was barely breathing, and if Yamaguchi hadn't known her for years, he probably wouldn't have been able to understand a single word. " _Then, I don't know what got into me, but there was this moment where she was stroking my hair and I just got possessed by some stupid stupid stupid force and I tried to lean over and kiss her..._ "

"You did?" he covered his mouth.

" _Yes! And she didn't really move, but she didn't push me back either! She just waited for me to lean back and said 'when you're sober' and just resumed taking care of me like nothing happened!_ "

She let out something between a cry and a sob, probably against her pillow since it sounded muffled.

"That's... That's a good thing, Yachi!"

" _Then why do I feel so fucking anxious?! Tadashi, I want to dig a hole and just stay there forever. Maybe I'll go join Hinata in Rio, you'll never see me again, none of you!_ "

"Stop being silly. What happened after?"

" _She just took me home and helped me get ready for bed. Then she texted me this morning asking how I was doing_ " another muffled cry. " _I don't deserve her, I'm going to die, I_..."

"Have you texted her back?"

" _No, you stupid, stupid dumbass! I was waiting for your treacherous self to help me out with this, but you wouldn't answer your phone!_ "

"I'm so sorry, Yachi" he tried to hold back on his laughter, but it was nearly impossible.

" _Stop laughing_ " she whined. " _What if she wants to see me? I swear I will have a heart attack on sight, I just feel so ridiculous..._ "

He looked back at the blonde, who was pretending to read a magazine as he eavesdropped on their call. He wasn't the type to gossip or care much about other people's lives, but such a heated conversation on his living room was rather hard to ignore.

"I have an idea" Yamaguchi bit on his lip, already fearing Tsukishima's reaction. "What if you didn't have to meet her alone?"

There was silence on her end.

" _What do you have in mind_?"

"Say that you're meeting two good friends who you haven't seen in a while" he looked at the blonde, who was now fully staring and seemed about to protest. "And that it would be just lovely if she could join us!"

" _That... That doesn't sound awful_ " Yachi pondered, her high pitch suggesting she was smiling. " _Ok, I forgive you for not picking up before._ "

"I'm delighted" he turned his back on Tsukishima, avoiding his piercing gaze for as long as possible. "Ok, so we could meet at maybe one p.m. at my place? Then we can have lunch and do something fun later."

" _You're a genius, Tadashi!_ " he giggled at her exaggeration, but felt warm nonetheless. " _I'll ask her, then!_ "

"Ok. Bye, and good luck!"

" _Thanks. Bye!_ "

Yamaguchi grabbed the phone with both hands, holding it against his chest, and turned to his friend.

"Tsukki" he nearly sang with a sheepish smile.

"What have you done, Yamaguchi?"

"You remember Tanaka-san's sister, right? Saeko-san" he chuckled nervously. "Her and Yachi will... They will be joining us for lunch today at my place."

"Huh?"

"J-just for lunch, don't worry! And she is so nice! Plus, Yachi really misses you..." he approached his friend. "Is it okay? Are you mad?"

"No, I'm..." he looked down. "I'm not mad, I'm just not really in the mood for..."

"Please, Tsukki! It's... It's really important. I'll explain the details better as we go, but please, will you come?"

The blonde closed his eyes and sighed.

"Fine."

Even though they still had a few hours before the scheduled gathering, they left Tsukishima's house and headed to Yamaguchi's. The latter still had some clothes and books to unpack, and his house was overall much cozier than the other's cold little apartment. He took the opportunity to briefly go over the fact that Yachi was into girls, and especially into one particular girl: Saeko. Tsukishima raised an eyebrow, more surprised by Yachi's preference for Tanaka's sister —who he thought had absolutely nothing in common with her— than by her preference for women overall. Yamaguchi then proceeded to explain last night's episode, to which the taller responded with a chuckle.

"I see."

"Ok, good. That's why it's important that we stick around and help Yachi calm down."

The blonde simply nodded. They walked a bit over a block in complete silence, until the urge to ask his friend something tickled Yamaguchi's throat.

"I never really got to ask" the dark haired boy began, eyes fixed on the snow spread across the sidewalk. "How was it with Akiteru?"

"It was ok."

Yamaguchi remained silent for a moment, waiting for the other to get the hint and give him more details. Tsukishima, however, seemed done with the subject.

"Ok, and...?" Yamaguchi smiled awkwardly. "He was really worried, Tsukki. He missed you a lot."

"We live just a few blocks away" he clicked his tongue.

"Still..."

The blonde exhaled and closed his eyes.

"It was fine. We talked over some stuff."

"Did you talk about..."

"No!" Tsukishima interrupted. "And you're _not_ telling him. You understand?"

Yamaguchi frowned and looked at his shoes. That was not something he could promise.

"I told him some stuff, but nothing about the drinking. You know about my dad, Yamaguchi. It would destroy him" he sighed. "But I did mention some other things. He has a friend whose mother is a therapist. I should meet her tomorrow. Happy?"

The shorter's eyes sparkled at the news. So maybe that's why he was so quick to accept it when Yamaguchi asked him to seek professional help earlier: he already had. He wasn’t sure why Tsukishima didn’t tell him back then. Maybe he wanted to test it out before committing? Regardless, it felt like something heavy was lifted off his chest, and he was consumed by the urge to hug his friend. He settled for a fond squeeze on the taller’s shoulder.

“I'm so glad to hear that, Tsukki. It will be so good for you” the corners of his eyes got slightly wet.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever...”

The news had lightened something inside Yamaguchi, something that had been somewhat muffled for the past few days. He felt a comfortable fluttering in his chest and arms; he wanted to act on it, to jump, to dance, to hug the blonde tightly and spin with him. Hope, maybe? He couldn't quite tell what this feeling was, but it made him want to smile wide at the world.

They arrived at Yamaguchi's house. He was relieved both his parents had already left; the idea of having the house all to himself and his best friend for a couple of hours seemed like all he could ever ask for.

“There are some boxes I still have to unpack, but mostly just books” he explained as they headed to his bedroom. After years of avoiding Yamaguchi's parents in the living room, it was automatic for the pair to walk straight towards it. While the Yamaguchi were both nice and very polite, making conversation with them usually led back to talking about school and college prospects, themes the boys generally tried to avoid once classes and homework were done for the day.

“Wow...” Tsukishima chuckled as they entered, surprised by the mess.

“Shut up...” Yamaguchi felt his face heat up.

“How can I help you make this place more...” he picked up a t-shirt from the floor. “Habitable?”

“Stop it, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi pulled his shirt from the other's hands and quickly turned around to hide the red spreading all across his cheeks and ears. “It's not like your apartment’s perfect either.”

“Good point, it's lacking some furniture” the blonde crouched again and grabbed a couple of books and a notebook. “But let's say there was a _fire_...” he smirked at the other's annoyed glance. “I could make my way out. _You_ , on the other hand...”

“Will you help me or not?” he pulled the books and settled them on his desk.

“I will, I will... Wouldn't really want you to die in a fire, you know” he looked around, taking his time to analyze every pile of unfolded clothes and used notebooks scattered around. “What do you want to do _first_?”

“I appreciate the help” Yamaguchi gave him an intentionally exaggerated smile and then rolled his eyes. “Ok... Could you please put those books and notebooks on my desk? The books on the right and the notebooks on the left.”

“Yessir” with a snarky smile, the blonde approached the pile and began his task.

Yamaguchi rolled his eyes again, but now there was somewhat of a grin on his face. He opened the big red bag on top of his bed and tried to sort out what needed washing, ironing, or folding. Most of it he just threw in the washing pile. Looking around, he realized how many bags filled with clothes he was yet to unpack. Yamaguchi could already picture his mother's scolding when she found out about the unholy amount of laundry detergent he would be using.

“Police officer, huh? It kind of suits you.”

Yamaguchi froze and turned around, eyed glued to the polaroid pictures on the blonde's hands.

“Give me that!” he rushed in his direction and tried to grab the pictures, but Tsukishima was quick to dodge and move to the other side of the room.

“The firefighter looks cool as well” the taller chuckled as he spun around, escaping from the other's attempts to pull the photos away from him. “The fairy too, but you arresting Batman is just insuperable.”

“Give me that, Tsukki!” he finally managed to pass one of his arms around the other's waist and push him to the bed, falling next to his friend and proceeding to climb on top of him. The blonde couldn't stop laughing as Yamaguchi finally managed to get the pictures and shove them into his pocket. “Stop...”

“I'm not laughing at the pictures, don't worry” he giggled, wiping his glasses. “They look good, I mean it. It's just your reaction.”

At that, Yamaguchi finally snapped out of his embarrassment transe, realizing where exactly he stood: his knees at eachside of the other’s torso, pinning him against the bed. Tsukishima's hair was messy, his cheeks slightly tinted from the short grappling, and the sight made Yamaguchi's face heat up. He promptly fell to the side, landing with his back flat next to him. The blonde's expression was that of pure amusement, like he would chuckle again at any second, and it was just the most adorable thing Yamaguchi had seen. It almost made him forget how disconcerted he was just a few seconds ago.

They laid there in silent for a few seconds, both catching their breath.

“Can you show me the pictures now?” Tsukishima raised an eyebrow.

“ _Gah_ , it's embarrassing...”

“Why? I mean, it's a Halloween party, right? Would be weird if you weren't wearing a costume. I just didn't take you for a... cop guy.”

“Shut up” he smiled, elbowing the other's ribs. “I didn't have a costume, so I borrowed one from a friend. It was either that or one of those dinosaurs you have to inflate.”

“That would've been perfect” Tsukishima laughed. He laughed and Yamaguchi felt so _warm_. He wanted to stop time then and there, to be there forever, able to feel the other's body heat next to him, smell the pine and honey, to see his glowing eyes, wide smile, and the slightly sweaty forehead, to hear that laugh over and over and over. “Is that friend one of the guys in the photographs?”

“Yeah, it's Batman” he raised one of the pictures over their heads and used his other hand to point at his friend. “The girl back here is his sister. Oh, and the other guy here...”

“The firefighter?”

“Yeah, that one. He's from Ireland.”

“For real?”

“Yeah! His entire family lives there. He was completely alone when he arrived, and his Japanese was really bad.”

“I don't know if I should find him brave or dumb...”

“He was both” Yamaguchi chuckled. “But he was super nice. We lived across each other in the dorm, and he would often stop by and invite my roommate and I for lunch or something. One day he even tried to teach me soccer.”

“Did you like it?”

“ _Hated_ it” Tsukishima laughed and he smiled. “I don't know how they manage to run with the ball on their feet. I fell, like, five times... But it was fun, though.”

“I can imagine...” the blonde moved his head upwards a bit. “Ok, what about your room? Maybe we should finish unpacking before Yachi and Tanaka-san arrive.”

He sat up straight. Yamaguchi's heart sank. He wanted to pull him back, wanted to stay there, to hug the other close, bury his nose in those messy locks and just forget about everything else.

“Yeah...” he nearly whispered, the image of the blonde's head nested against his chest still sweet and alive in his mind. He could picture himself brushing his lips against the smooth skin of his neck, maybe sliding his fingers under his shirt, but always returning to the starting point: the close embrace, the sleepy hug, the light strands of hair soft and fluffy under his nose and chin. “If you find another picture, hand it to me.”

“Or what? You'll throw me on your bed again?”

There didn't seem to be any malice behind Tsukishima's words, and yet, Yamaguchi blushed harder than he ever had. He quickly rubbed his hand against his face, hoping the coolness of his palm would soothe the redness before the taller could see it.

“Shut up” was all he could say. Not stammering was already a victory, given his state.


	9. Chapter 9

Even though he loved Yachi, Yamaguchi did feel a bit disappointed when the doorbell rang. Those last few hours in his room with Tsukishima had been absolutely amazing: even when they were quietly completing their tasks across the room, it still felt so warm and comfortable to have the other's presence close to him, to hear him humming and occasionally clicking his tongue. The best part was when he was next to the window, organizing notebooks over a shelf. The sun shone through his hair and the halo was there again, now in soft shades of white and amber instead of gold and orange, but a halo nonetheless. Yamaguchi could't help but stare. While it made him feel guilty and even intrusive, it felt wrong to look away, like refusing a precious gift from the Universe itself.

“Tsukishima-kun!” Yachi smiled when she saw the blonde.

“Hey” he smiled slightly, but sincerely. He was not aware of Yachi's change in appearance, and while he did not seem displeased, he made no comment on it either.

“ _Tadashiiii_ ” she hugged him tightly. “Thank you so much for this!”

“Don't worry about it” he chuckled. “Breakfast’s on you next time, though.”

She showed him her tongue. The trio proceeded to the kitchen, where Yamaguchi began sorting out which leftovers could be used for their lunch. Tsukishima offered to prepare some rice, which was deeply appreciated by the other two. They could make something edible if they had to, but neither of them could ever get the timing right, leaving the rice either slightly uncooked or close to a porridge.

“She's here!” Yachi nearly yelled when the doorbell rang again. She fluffed her hair and fixed her collar. “How do I look?”

“Miss Universe's got nothing on you” Yamaguchi smiled and Yachi pushed him jokingly. “Go, go get the door! We'll finish it here.”

Yachi rushed to the door while Tsukishima and Yamaguchi placed the steaming food on the dinner table.

“Thank you very much for the invitation, Yamaguchi-kun” Saeko grinned as she entered the living room. “Look at you! I haven't seen you in ages. Yachi told me about your internship.”

“Yeah, it was awesome!”

“I'm glad. Tell me more about it, will ya?” her eyes landed on Tsukishima, and for a split second, the smile left her face. Her eyes widened a bit and her jaw dropped ever so slightly, but she was quick to clear her throat and put on a happy expression again. “Tsukishima-kun, long time no see, eh?”

“Tanaka-san” he greeted.

“Saeko” she corrected like she usually did, but there was something off about her voice. Yamaguchi and Yachi exchanged inquiring looks.

“Well” Yamaguchi joined his hands. “I thought that maybe after lunch we could do something? Go to the movies, perhaps?”

“Oh, I know! How do you guys feel about ice skating?”

“Never done it” Tsukishima muttered.

“You'll learn as you do it! A friend of mine just opened a place, and it's amazing. It's not really famous yet, so we'll probably have the place practically all to ourselves” she looked at the others. “C'mon, it'll be so fun!”

“Fine by me!” Yachi smiled. “But it's been so long since I've ice-skated...”

“Meh, I know you were great at it, I've seen the pictures” she elbowed the shorter girl. “It's like riding a bike. The moment you set foot on the ice, I bet you'll be lecturing us on how to skate.”

“Don't exaggerate” Yachi blushed. “W-well, Tadashi? Tsukishima-kun?”

“Fine by me, too. I think it'll be fun!” he looked at the blonde. “Tsukki, you?”

The taller sighed.

“Fine...”

“Great! I'll let my friend know, then” Saeko grabbed her phone. “Well, what’s there to eat? It smells great.”

Their conversation during lunch followed smoothly. Even though Saeko's attention was mostly on Yachi, she put effort into making conversation with the other two. It was rather easy to get Yamaguchi to talk, since he had the recent internship in Tokyo to tell them about. Yachi clenched her fists and burst out about how she wished she could go to Tokyo.

“I mean, Shibuya” she sighed and smiled dreamily. “Part of my final paper for last semester covered Harajuku's history, and it just seems so cool...”

“Why don't we go next week?” Saeko rested her arm on Yachi's chair, turning to face the smaller girl.

“For real? Would you come with me?” her eyes lit up.

“I mean, we can take the train, or I can drive...”

“Let's take the train” she giggled, smiling wide. “For real? Like...”

“Yeah, Yachi, for real” Saeko smirked. “I know a guy there. His sister owes me a favor, you know. We can stay at their place.”

Yachi hugged Saeko, smiling wide against her shoulder.

“I'll tell my mom, then!”

“Good, good...”

They shared an accomplice smile. Yamaguchi looked at the blonde next to him, who glanced back with a subtle smirk. He recalled their own plans to go to Tokyo for the museum exposition and wondered whether Tsukishima also had it in mind as they exchanged looks.

As they drank some tea after lunch, Saeko called her friend and asked for the address, letting her know they were on their way.

“If there's any children around, could you kick them out... Ok, ok, I'm _joking_ , sorry” she covered the microphone. “She said is nearly empty! We'll have it all for ourselves, I told ya!”

Yachi looked at her with such admiration and fondness as she spoke on the phone that it made Yamaguchi's chest ache. He was so happy to see her so cheerful and so in love. Was she in love? He pondered the meaning of those words for a moment, but it felt ridiculous to try to define something as complex and philosophically charged by himself. He just knew by the way how her eyes shone and her whole body seemed to lean towards the older girl that it definitely _looked_ like love.

“Let's go, then!” Saeko clapped her hands. “She's waiting for us.”

As they put their shoes and coats back on, Saeko rested her hand on Tsukishima's shoulder.

“Can I talk to you?”

The blonde seemed a bit startled, but nodded.

“Ok, guys, just give us a moment” she gesticulated for the blonde to follow her and walked towards the sidewalk.

Yachi and Yamaguchi exchanged confused looks. They didn't want to eavesdrop —and even if they did, they were far enough for their conversation to be nearly inaudible—, but both were still rather curious as to why Saeko, of all people, would want to speak to Tsukishima in private. Had they ever even spoken to each other before?

“Do you know if they... like... know each other?” Yamaguchi asked.

“She never mentioned him” Yachi almost whispered. “Maybe something to do with his brother? They studied together, I think...”

“Good point” he tried to catch a glimpse of their interaction.

Tsukishima had his arms crossed and was trying to avoid her gaze as she spoke. At some point, his head tilted towards the floor. Saeko squeezed his shoulder, and Yamaguchi was surprised to notice that the blonde didn't lean away from her touch. It was hard to tell from where he stood, but it seemed like there was something between worry and compassion in the girl's face. The taller shook his head and said something. He rubbed his temples and sighed. Saeko laid her other hand on his shoulder, now fully facing him, and spoke with determination. Tsukishima nodded, Saeko smiled, then they turned back to their friends.

“Well, shall we get going?” Saeko passed her arm around Yachi's shoudlers, making the smaller girl blush from neck to ears.

They went first, Saeko using the GPS on her phone with her free hand.

“Everything okay, Tsukki?”

“Huh? Y-yeah, it was nothing.”

“I see... Is your brother ok?”

“Akiteru?” the blonde frowned.

“Ah, we... We'd just figured that maybe that's what this conversation was about. You know, since they studied together...”

“Ah, I see... But no, it wasn't about him. It was nothing, really. Just forget about it.”

“Ok, if you say so” he almost pouted. While relieved that there was nothing wrong with Akiteru, he was now beyond curious to know what those two were talking about.


	10. Chapter 10

“Are you sure this is safe?” Tsukishima muttered. “And by that I mean, like, _licensed_.”

“She's working on it” Saeko waved her hand. “But it's safe, I swear. I've been here a few times, and people come here every day. No accidents so far.”

Tsukishima exchanged looks with Yamaguchi, who just shrugged and smiled.

The place was undeniably beautiful. It was a bit smaller than most ice skating arenas, with blue and purple lights scattered all across the ceiling and white flowers drawn on the walls. The whole area smelled like cheap flowery perfume, but it was surprisingly pleasant. It felt fun and dreamy, and Yamaguchi couldn't wait to slide across the ice.

“Let's go” he said, pulling the blonde's arm.

“W-wait!” Tsukishima leaned back, widening his eyes. “Yamaguchi, I told you I don't know how to ice-skate!”

“It's ok, Tsukki” Yamaguchi offered his other arm, which the taller grabbed onto for dear life. “Good, ok, now hold on...”

He slid back, pulling the taller along him. Tsukishima's grip was so strong it nearly hurt, and Yamaguchi could tell his fingertips were a bit shaky.

“Relax, I won't let you fall” he chuckled. “Come on.”

“ _Uhul_!” Yachi rushed past them, her arms moving around her silhouette with the grace of a ballerina. “I missed this so much!”

“Hitoka Yachi, wait!” Saeko sprinted after her, reaching out for her hand as they got close enough. They held each other's forearms and spun together, laughing and throwing their heads back, smiling wide at the ceiling.

“Wanna try that?” Yamaguchi smirked at the blonde.

“Don't. You. Dare.”

Yamaguchi jokingly leaned back, like he would pull himself away from the taller's grip. Tsukishima gasped and moved forward, grabbing both his shoulders and pressing his chest tightly against the other's. Yamaguchi laughed at first, but feeling the blonde's hands tremble on his back and his heartbeat fast and strong even through the many layers of clothing made him feel a bit guilty. He placed both arms around Tsukishima's torso.

“ _Shh_ , sorry, sorry” he chuckled, resting his head on his friend's shoulder. “I won't let go, I promise. Sorry.”

The blonde's breathing was beginning to slow back down.

“You really are scared of this, aren't you?”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi” he muttered dryly against his head. “I'm not _scared_ of it, I just don't want to break my chin or something...”

“I see... Sorry, Tsukki” he giggled again, still feeling guilty for frightening his friend, but more than pleased by the excuse to hug him tightly.

“Yo, are you guys gonna skate at all?” Saeko laughed. “We have this place just for us, c'mon, let's enjoy it!”

“We're coming!” Yamaguchi looked at his friend. “Ok, wanna try again? I _promise_ I won't let you fall. Just hold on to my arms like you were doing.”

“Fine, but if you try something again, I'll kick you with these things” he pointed at his skates with his chin.

“Deal.”

He took a few steps backwards, keeping the blonde close as they slid across the arena. When they approached Yachi and Saeko, he decided to get a bit bold and moved in circle around the first girl, making her giggle at their silly attempt at ice-skating.

“Come on, Tsukishima-kun! You are so tense it will hurt your neck” she smiled. “Let me teach you the basics, ok?”

She moved closer to the pair and tried to explain how to balance his weight and slide.

“Bend your knees a bit, yeah, just like that! Think you can move a bit on your own now?”

“No.”

Yamaguchi laughed.

“What if we try with you holding only one of my arms?” he proposed.

“I don't...” the blonde looked at Yachi, then at his best friend. He sighed. “Fine, but if I fall, I...”

“You won't!” Yamaguchi smiled, excited to test the blonde's potential new abilities.

They held each other's forearms tightly, keeping one hand free, and began sliding again. Tsukishima breathed unsteadily and even gasped a few times, squeezing Yamaguchi's arm as strongly as he could, but he was beginning to find his balance.

“You learn fast, huh, Tsukishima?” Saeko giggled, teasingly spinning around Yachi in a successful attempt to get her attention.

“Thanks” he mumbled, still too focused on maintaining his torso straight and steady.

“Wanna try no arms?” Yamaguchi asked. The blonde's glance pierced right through him. “I'll be right next to you! If you begin to lose your balance, I'll be right here to catch you, ok?”

The blonde exhaled loudly and nodded, hesitantly letting go of his friend's arm.

“Ok” Yamaguchi slid a bit over two meters away from him. “Come here!”

“You talk like I'm a dog” Tsukishima clicked his tongue, mentally preparing to follow his friend.

“Sorry” he chuckled.

Tsukishima took in a deep breath and moved one leg forward. His torso leaned a bit to the right then to the left, and Yamaguchi was on his way to catch him when the blonde managed to regain his balance with his arms. He took another step, sliding more steadily this time, and then another, and another...

“You did it!” Yamaguchi reached out and squeezed his arms fondly.

“Yeah, I'm practically fit for the olympics” he scoffed, but there was a genuine trace of a smile on his face.


	11. Chapter 11

Yamaguchi stared at his own reflection in the mirror. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind his ear, splashed water on his face and buried it in the towel's pine scent, taking in all he could and then slowly exhaling into the fluffy fabric.

"Done, Tsukki" he said, getting out of the bathroom.

The blonde handed him a cup of chamomile tea and put his own on his nightstand to grab a couple of blankets and a pillow, placing them tidily on the couch.

"I think this will be enough..." he muttered. "But if you need more, let me know."

Yamaguchi had asked to stay the night. In fact, he had first asked the blonde to stay over at his place, but the mess left in this room didn't appeal much to the latter. They decided to return to Tsukishima's apartment, just stopping by Yamaguchi's to grab his clothes and hygiene items.

"It's late, huh?" Yamaguchi yawned, checking the time on his phone. It was almost midnight. After ice-skating, they went to Saeko's place and found Tanaka in the living room. They hadn't seen him in ages, and their former Karasuno teammate was beyond happy to have them over. He even called Kiyoko to join them, and once the group settled on the couches, hours flew by without their noticing. Even Tsukishima seemed quite excited by the gathering, and watching him smile and laugh so genuinely made Yamaguchi's day a thousand times better.

"Yeah" the taller's gaze was a bit off. Yamaguchi didn't quite know why, but he seemed a bit nervous.

"Are you ok?"

He nodded, avoiding eye contact. Yamaguchi frowned slightly, but did not insist.

"Fine, so call me if you need anything" he pressed his lips in a sort of a smile. "Good night, Yamaguchi."

"Good night, Tsukki."

The blonde left his bedroom door half open. From the living room, Yamaguchi could hear him get under the covers, shuffling positions until he finally found a comfortable one. What would that be? On his side, facing upwards, downwards, legs curled against his torso or arms spread wide across the mattress? He remembered Tsukishima used to sleep on his chest and facing the wall whenever he stayed over at his place, but that might have been out of politeness or just subconscious need for privacy. Now, it was different. He had his own _apartment_. The thought both amazed and terrified Yamaguchi. Time was passing by so fast... He missed having the blonde walk him to school, missed volleyball practice and secretive movie nights when they were kids. The way how they would pretend to be asleep whenever a parent passed by the living room in the middle of the night, fully convinced they were fooling them with that lousy acting. He missed the rushed heartbeat and the muffled laughter they would share once the adult was gone, so proud of their cleverness and ready to resume the never ending list of sci-fi and horror movies.

He was never a fan of horror movies. In fact, it was safe to say he would probably despise those if they didn't give him an excuse to cling to the taller boy for dear life. Even before realizing his feelings for Tsukishima might be more than just platonic, he had always enjoyed any sort of physical contact with him. That reminded him of the ice-skating arena, and how much he got to hug and hold his friend and especially how much _he was hugged and held by him_. It still made him feel guilty to have taken so much pleasure in something that had been so stressful and scary for the other, at least in the beginning, but it was comforting to recall how, even after Tsukishima learned the basics and managed to slide steadily around by his own, he didn't stop reaching out for his arm.

He also thought about Kiyoko and Tanaka. If someone had told him back then that he would someday be marrying the girl he absolutely idolized throughout high school, he would probably doubt it, laugh it off and go cry in a corner. They looked so happy together, and it got even better when Kiyoko revealed she was expecting. Yachi nearly choked on her soda and hugged her friend, crying so hard Saeko even needed to have her do some breathing exercises. Yamaguchi could tell they would be fantastic parents and teared up a bit as well. Tsukishima leaned slightly towards him when he noticed, pressing their arms together in a subtle yet affectionate way that made Yamaguchi want to burst out into sobs and tears.

He moved around a bit on the couch. It was reasonably comfortable —as comfortable as a cheap couch could be—, but it was hard to find a position that felt ideal to sleep. While still in school, they would usually either share a bed or sleep right next to each other using a guest futon. It depended on the weather or on how late and tired they were to settle a new set of blankets and pillows. Yamaguchi was a bit sad when Tsukishima suggested the couch, but he sort of understood why. They were still testing each other, looking for new limits, pushing to find out new rules that could have formed while they were apart. It felt like he was blindfolded, taking cautions little steps with his arms stretched and ready to back off if met with something that stung.

Tsukishima's bedroom door creaked slightly as he opened it. Yamaguchi's eyes were already quite used to the dark, so he could follow the slim silhouette into the kitchen. His hair was all messy and sticking out on weird places, and the blonde ran his fingers through them while he got himself a glass of water and rested his lower back against the counter.

"Can't sleep?" Yamaguchi's voice was hoarse. He propped himself up on his elbows and rubbed his eyes.

"Did I wake you up?" he put the empty water glass in the sink.

"Nah, I couldn't sleep either" he was sitting up completely now. "Are you feeling well?"

"Yeah, yeah, I just..." he rubbed his eyes and forehead. "I'm just tired, you know..."

He was tired, but he couldn't sleep.

And he couldn't knock himself out like usual.

"Wanna go for a walk, Tsukki?"

" _Now_?" he snorted. "Yamaguchi, it's, like, almost 2 a.m."

"Yeah, so?" he got up and walked towards the blonde. "I can't fall asleep, and neither can you. I doubt that will change for the next hour or so."

"It's freezing out there..."

"We can take heavy coats. Plus, if we head to the park, we could take some blankets..."

The blonde wasn't looking at him directly, but it was probably just because he didn't have his glasses on.

"Ah, what the hell..." he shrugged. "Fine. I'll get ready, then."

Yamaguchi smiled wide. They didn't do much other than put on their shoes and heavier coats. Tsukishima grabbed two old blankets and handed him one.

It was, indeed, freezing out there. Yamaguchi raised his shoulders in an attempt to shelter his neck and chin as they walked to the park. Clumps of ice cracked under their shoes, and tiny snowflakes attached to ceilings and stop signals landed on their noses and hair. None of them spoke much, too focused in pulling on and wrapping every available piece of fabric around their bodies.

Once in the park, they walked straight towards the pond. Just as Tsukishima predicted, the tiny white flowers were either frozen or withered. The pond's surroundings were beginning fo freeze; the grass was filled with tiny ice crystals, some of which began to melt under Yamaguchi's palms as he settled down. He and Tsukishima sat right next to each other, both tightly wrapped in their blankets, knees and arms pressing against each other for warmth.

The moon was shining bright above their heads, its reflection on the still water varying from white to gray and light blue. Neither of them spoke. The wind blew gently against their hair. Little sticks cracked here and there, car honks far away and their deep breathing were all there was to hear. Yamaguchi wanted to say something, but it didn't feel right. He hid his chin again in the warmth of his blanket and looked up. Tsukishima's eyes were big and shiny and enveloped by the silvery glow that tinted his skin and hair. Seeing him against the sunlight felt like too much, like it would burn, and Yamaguchi would have gladly burned until there was nothing left of him. Seeing him against the moonlight was different. It was still beautiful, but gentler. Hypnotizing, in a way, but in a way that didn't hurt as much, that didn't make him feel so desperate. It was like watching the moon itself; being able to stare directly at it for as long as desired and knowing it will still be there if you look away, up there in the sky waiting for your next gaze.

"I missed you" Tsukishima whispered, eyes glued ahead.

Yamaguchi turned to him, his heartbeat suddenly loud and fast in his ears. The blonde rarely spoke like that.

"I'm glad you're back."

"So am I. And I'm not going anywhere now."

Tsukishima sighed and looked down.

"I just don't want to hold you back, Yamaguchi. You deserve to go live your life. To be happy. I don't want to get in the way of that with my problems."

"Tsukki, you could never..."

"I could. And I feel like I'm already doing just that" his voice cracked. Yamaguchi widened his eyes. Was he crying? "I really need to get myself together, and as much as I appreciate your help, I think it might be better if we just stay apart for a bit."

"Absolutely not" he scoffed. "I told you already that I'm not going anywhere."

"That's what I'm talking about, Yamaguchi, for fuck's sake!" he sobbed, which caught both by surprise. "We've been friends for a long time and I understand you might have this sense responsibility or whatever, but you need to be realistic here. I will not blame you or see you as less, and if you just stop and think about it for a damn second, it's in your best interest to just..."

"Shut up!" he felt tears stream down his chin. "Just shut up, shut up, shut up! What are you talking about? Sense of responsibility? Best interest? Fuck, what... what's gotten into you?"

He was panting, staring at his friend with wide eyes. Tsukishima refused to return the look.

"Stop acting like you know what's best for me. I'm not a child, and I don't need you to look after me or protect me anymore. I can make my own decisions for myself. I will stay by your side through all of this, no matter what you say."

"Why?" he nearly yelled.

"Because I love you, you stupid moron!"

Tsukishima finally stared back.

"You... what?"

Yamaguchi took a deep breath.

"I love you. I do, ok? As a friend, yeah, but as more than a friend too. You don't have to return it. I don't care if you feel the same way or not. Nothing has to change and I will stay by your side regardless."

Tsukishima's eyes were shot open, his lips slightly parted. Yamaguchi held his breath. Maybe it was the worst time possible to confess. Maybe he had been selfish, and now the blonde wouldn't want to be his friend anymore and would be even lonelier. Regret was building into his chest when the blonde spoke up:

"I return the feeling, Yamaguchi."

Time stopped. The wind blew softly on their hair. Little sticks cracked here and there, car honks far away, the stillness of the pond, the ice melting under Yamaguchi’s palms.

“You do?”

Tsukishima nodded.

Yamaguchi breathed in slowly, quietly, staring at his friend like any harsh movement would make him disappear, like he was seconds away from waking up.

He didn’t. This was real life.

Tsukishima loved him back.

“Y-you do? For real?”

The blonde nodded again.

“Can I...” he swallowed. “Can I kiss you, then?”

Another nod.

He reached out and gently placed his hand on the blonde’s cheek. His skin was soft and cold, and slightly damp from crying. His fingers stroked the silky locks. He brought him closer and closed his eyes, stopping just before their lips touched. He brushed his lower lip against Tsukishima’s, every point of contact sending warmth down his chest. He felt the other’s hands find their place on his neck and moved forward, locking their lips together.

“What is it?” Tsukishima backed away slightly, his hands still warm against Yamaguchi’s neck.

He didn’t realize he was crying. Lowering his gaze and pressing their foreheads together, he whispered:

“I just love you _so fucking much_.”

Tsukishima smiled and brought his chin up gently, pressing their lips together once again. Yamaguchi’s fingers traced further into the golden locks, pulling him closer. When another sob came up, he buried his face in the blonde’s shoulder and hugged him tightly.

“If you dare to talk about yourself like that again...” his voice cracked. “I need you to understand that I _want_ to help you, ok? To be with you. I want it more than anything.”

“I’m sorry” Tsukishima stroked his hair gently. “Thank, you for everything, Yamaguchi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> today is 12/24, so merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it :) hope you enjoy this chapter and wear your damn masks out there. stay safe <3


	12. Chapter 12

Yamaguchi stared at the pond. The wind had brought closer to them a couple of paper boats some kids probably left there earlier. They looked like actual boats, floating above still water, an ocean maybe. It didn't matter. Size, dimension, didn't matter anymore. At that moment, he could have believed he was the size of the Sun. He had never felt such a strong sense of _belonging_. The night sky above them, the millions, trillions of starts, didn't feel so vast and distant anymore. It was like the entire Universe was there just for them.

He hugged Tsukishima a bit tighter. The blonde shuffled slightly, resting his head against Yamaguchi's chest again. Yamaguchi closed his eyes, pressing his lips to his temple.

"Maybe we should go back" he whispered, then kissed his forehead again.

"Ok" Tsukishima agreed, but didn't move for a few seconds. Yamaguchi didn't move either. The blonde inhaled deeply and propped himself up, offering his hand to the other.

The walk back was silent again, but now there was another form of communication going on. They held hands. Sometimes, laced their arms together, getting so close Yamaguchi could rest his head on the taller's shoulder for a few seconds. When they entered the cold apartment, Tsukishima didn't let go of his hand. He didn't let go as they entered his room, not even as they lay down on his bed. He only untangled their fingers to pull the covers over them.

Yamaguchi hugged him tightly, placing his chin gently on Tsukishima's head. His hands travelled up the other's spine, tracing soothing patterns over his shirt, stopping occasionally to rest his palm flat on his back and pull him closer or draw curls with his hair. One of Tsukishima's arm was on his waist, the other right between them, his fingertips pressing slightly on Yamaguchi's chest.

The rest of the night went on like that. At some point Tsukishima turned around, his back warm against Yamaguchi's front. He embraced the blonde, lacing their fingers together. He would doze off, sometimes waking up to the other sniffling or sobbing quietly.

"What is it" he asked, cupping Tsukishima's face with his hands.

The taller simply shook his head and buried deeper into the embrace every time. Yamaguchi didn't push. There were moments when he was asleep, and when he wasn't, he would trace gentle kisses on the blonde's nape, squeeze their hands tighter together, brush his forehead against the honey locks. He had never felt so vulnerable and yet so safe before. Intimacy. Love. Whatever he wanted to call it. It just felt so right he couldn't imagine life outside that bed.

For how long had Tsukishima felt the same way? Yamaguchi wondered if the other may have figured out his own feelings even before he did. The funny thing was that, now thinking about it, Yamaguchi simply couldn't remember not being in love with him. Not just loving him, but being _in love_ with him. Every racing heartbeat, each shiver shot down his spine after the slightest touch, the way how his heart would swell whenever the other laughed and tears pricked his eyes when Tsukishima complimented him, everything was now beginning to make more sense.

At some point, Yamaguchi doze off for good. When his eyes opened again, the room was well lit by sunlight. His face and back were cold, but his chest and arms felt cozy in their cuddle. He moved closer to the heat source and inhaled deeply, taking in the sugary pine scent from the golden mess under his nose.

Tsukishima turned around, his forehead pressing against Yamaguchi’s neck.

"Good morning" Yamaguchi mumbled, pressing a lazy kiss on the top of his head.

"Morning" Tsukishima whispered. "I'm gonna take a shower, ok?"

Yamaguchi didn't answer. He just kept his eyes closed, lingering to those last few seconds of physical contact before the blonde left the bed. Once he did, it felt unbearably cold. The mattress was suddenly way too big. Yamaguchi watched his friend —now also his lover—, drag himself to the drawers, pull a few pieces of clothing almost at random and lock himself in the bathroom.

He stretched his arms and legs, then lay flat on his back in a starfish-like position. Staring at the ceiling, he realized how his mind was yet to catch up. Recalling the events of the previous night, from the walk at dawn to sharing a bed, still surprised him. He nearly gasped at the memory of his own confession, curling on himself when images of their first kiss flooded his mind. Of course he didn't regret any of it —far from it—, but his cheeks still burned crimson red.

The other's scent was strong, almost intoxicating. Yamaguchi took in a deep breath, got out of bed and stared lazily at his surroundings. His backpack was still in the living room. He dragged himself like a zombie to the couch, rubbing his eyes as he turned on his cellphone.

He texted Yachi:

_We kissed last night._

She took a few seconds to see his message and called him right away.

" _Explain_!"

"Good morning to you, too" he chuckled.

" _Good morning, good morning, now tell me!_ "

"We went for a walk late at night because neither of us could sleep..."

" _But it snowed yesterday!_ "

"Don't interrupt!" he said with a hint of humor. "So we went there and just sat for a while and talked, and he was saying some really stupid things about himself... and I don't know what got into me, I was just so angry and impulsive and I confessed..."

" _Jeez, Tadashi, you can be a terrible story teller_ " she giggled. " _And then_?"

"Then, he confessed back. And we kissed. And we slept tog..."

" _You what_?" she yelled. Yamaguchi flinched at the burst audio.

"Not like that, Yachi" he whispered, suddenly flustered. " _Slept_ slept, as in close your eyes and go unconscious. But we did it together. Cuddling and all.

" _Ahhhh_ , _I see! Sorry_ " he laughed awkwardly. " _That's so cute. I'm so happy for you guys. It was about time, honestly_."

"Shut up" he smiled.

Telling her about it didn't feel like he thought it would. It was like reading a grocery list maybe, with a bit of emotion here and there. It didn't feel personal enough, or close enough to the real experience —and not just because he didn't want to tell her about what Tsukishima and he had discussed prior to their confessions. She couldn't see the pond. She couldn't see the white flowers, or feel the ice under his palms, or see how the blonde's eyes glowed under moonlight. She couldn't feel how the warmth from their embrace contrasted with the cold wind. It was a bittersweet thing knowing that no one could ever experience what he had.

" _Well, we both had quite a night, then_ " she muttered.

"What do you mean? Did you and Saeko do something?"

" _We kissed as well_ " her wide smile showed through her tone. " _We didn't sleep together in any sense of the word, though_."

"For real? How was it?" he lay back on the couch, one hand behind his head.

" _Perfect_ " she sighed. " _She just left me back at my apartment and cupped by face and... Gah_!"

The last part was muffled, probably by a pillow.

" _I wanted to invite her in, but I was just paralyzed and probably looked so so so stupid, and she just smirked and said 'goodnight'. Then I pulled her back and kissed her again, and it was just the best thing I've ever done, and we stayed there for a while until she leaned back and said that she had to go, but that she'd call me. We're having dinner tonight!_ "

"That's amazing, Yachi! I'm so happy for you. Weren't you gonna text me about it?"

" _I was planning on meeting you to tell you in person, but since you messaged I just decided to spill it out right away._ "

They talked for a bit after that. Yamaguchi walked around the apartment, as he usually did while on the phone. He eventually sat down at Tsukishima's desk and began to doodle on a loose sheet of paper. Yachi said she needed to shower and hung up. He kept doodling. He smudged the shadows under his nose, lips, and the folds on his t-shirt. The pencil made quick, sharp sounds tracing little curls down his nape. His lips turned up in that smile that was so subtle and so _him_.

Yamaguchi blew on the piece of paper to get rid of the graphite dust. He smiled, proud of his sketch.

"Wanna shower?" Yamaguchi nearly jumped off his seat, startled by the blonde who was now leaning next to the bedroom door. "The bathroom's all yours."

He noticed how the blonde had some reddened areas on his skin. Being so pale, he got them often whenever he stayed under the sun or hot water for too long.

"Your skin's gonna fall off someday" he chuckled, grabbing his backpack.

Tsukishima looked down at his arms, just now noticing his irritated skin.

"I'll be right back" he hesitated for a second, but planted a gentle kiss on the taller's cheek before locking himself in the bathroom.

Yamaguchi intended to shower quickly. First of all, he couldn’t wait to be back in the living room. Everything still felt like a dream, and knowing that Tsukishima would be there, waiting for him, and that he could kiss and cuddle with him made his heart flutter. Second but still rather important, the idea of undressing did not appeal to him at all. He kept his limbs pressed together as much as he could while removing his pajamas, but shivered nonetheless.

The hot water helped ease the cold. He washed himself and was beginning to relax under it when its temperature started to drop.

“Damn it, Tsukki” he groaned, wishing the other had left him just a bit more of hot water.

He dried up and grabbed his hygiene items, only now realizing his deodorant was nearly empty. He shook the can a few times, but hardly anything came out. Apologizing mentally for the intrusion, he opened the blonde’s cabinet. The deodorant was quick to spot; it was at the end of the first shelf, next to three identical white containers.

Yamaguchi grabbed one of them. It was a passion fruit tranquilizer. He put it back and inspected another set of containers next to the white ones. They were all either tranquilizers or sleeping pills, mostly plant based, the types one could probably buy without a prescription. He pressed his tongue to the inside of his cheek, pondering if he should comment on them to the blonde. Most of them seemed mild, but the amount he had was a bit unsettling.

He put the container back along with the deodorant, then finished getting dressed.

“I’m ready, Tsukki” he left the bathroom.

The whole apartment now smelled of coffee. Yamaguchi sat on the kitchen counter, watching as Tsukishima poured the dark steamy liquid in two large mugs. He added sugar, then milk on Yamaguchi’s.

“Is cereal ok?” he asked, handing him the mug.

Yamaguchi nodded. They served themselves and ate in silence for a while. Tsukishima had his eyes closed while sipping on his coffee, as if waiting for the bitter liquid to kick in and make his headache or sleepiness —or likely both— go away.

“I like the drawing you made” the blonde finally said, rubbing his temples. The drag in his voice suggested the coffee was yet to fully act on his morning fog, but it was enough for the time being.

“It’s not done yet” Yamaguchi blushed, a sly smile on his lips.

Tsukishima chuckled and focused back on his mug. Silence fell upon them again, which was not particularly uncomfortable, but also was not what Yamaguchi wanted.

“Tsukki, I wanted to ask...” he used his spoon to move a piece of cereal across the milk. “Since... when?”

“When what?”

Yamaguchi looked up, locking eyes with him. Both of them were aware Tsukishima knew what he was talking about.

“You know...” his face began to heat up. _Damn you, Tsukki._ “Since when have you... like... seen me as more than just a friend.”

“I don’t know” he looked up, half of his face hidden behind his mug. “I guess I actually figured it out during the third year.”

“Third year?” Yamaguchi nearly gasped. He wasn’t surprised the blonde had figured it out before him, as he was far from being an emotional mess like Yamaguchi, but the fact that it had been years since his discovery and he hadn’t said anything or let it slip still baffled him.

“What? Is that bad?”

“N-no, it’s just... I didn’t expect that. I wish I had known about it sooner, I guess.”

“Hum...” he sipped on his coffee again. “Now you know.”

“Now I know...” he agreed in a near-whisper.


	13. Chapter 13

Tsukishima's appointment with a therapist was at eleven. The clinic wasn't too far from the apartment, so Yamaguchi walked him there. They didn't talk much, especially since Akiteru called in the middle of their way and spoke to his brother until they were practically at the door, but Yamaguchi could tell the blonde was fidgeting and held his hand in reassurance, stroking his knuckles lightly as they entered the building and waited for his turn.

His name was called. He went in, and, fifty minuted later, he was out. 

"How was it?" Yamaguchi asked once they’d left the waiting room. 

The blonde shrugged.

"First sessions are a bit boring. She had to cover some paperwork and tell me how therapy works, stuff like that."

"That was it?" he nearly whined.

"No. She asked me a few questions as well. Family, relationships, occupation, and why I was there."

"Did she give you a diagnosis?"

"She said I show many symptoms of depression, but that she wants to be sure. I'm coming back next week."

Yamaguchi squeezed his hand tight and rested his cheek on his shoulder.

"I'm happy, you know? I mean, obviously not about the depression part, but about you getting help."

Tsukishima chuckled lightly.

"Yeah, took me a while."

The taller didn't seem particularly enthusiastic about sharing more about his session, so Yamahuchi didn't push. Instead, he mentioned there were still some things —mostly clothes and a few notebooks— to organize in his bedroom.

The duo went back to his place, and still behind the door they could already smell the stirred vegetables and salmon his mother was preparing for lunch. Both of them greeted her, and Yamaguchi squeezed her shoulder tenderly and asked if she needed help.

"I'd rather have you organize that mess of a bedroom, darling."

His face heated up and he looked down. Tsukishima chuckled behind him.

"I was on my way to do that, you know..." he said turning around and pulling the blonde along by his forearm.

Going up the stairs, they found his father stumbling down sleepily in his underwear. With anyone else that could have been quite embarrassing, but Tsukishima had already seen that man in the tightest of swimsuits and drunkenly singing and dancing multiple times, so the older Yamaguchi didn't even give him a second look. He muttered a "morning boys" while rubbing his eyes and resumed his way downstairs, headed for the sofa with a newspaper under his arm. His days off were like that: the laziest mornings and perhaps a good drink in the evening followed by a movie night.

They exchanged looks nonetheless, holding in their laughter until Yamaguchi’s bedroom door was closed behind him.

“I wish he wouldn’t do that” Yamaguchi chuckled, rubbing his face.

“I’m used to it.”

“That’s the problem.”

They smiled at each other for a moment and chuckled again. Yamaguchi shook his head and put his palms together, taking in a deep breath.

“Ok, so, can you please help me put these clothes in the drawers?” he pointed at the pile of clothes on his bed with his chin.

They began their task. Tsukishima focused mostly on sorting out his t-shirts and placing them carefully on top of the already folded ones. It’s was actually admirable how tidy and organized he could be, especially compared to Yamaguchi, who was basically shoving his shorts into the last drawer. Tsukishima would often side-eye him, shake his head or press his lips together as if holding in a snarky comment.

“What?”

“Nothing” he smirked. “I mean, now at least you could escape that fire, so for the time being I’m not complaining...”

Yamaguchi rolled his eyes, but his chest fluttered. He had been afraid the events from the previous night could affect their friendship, but it seemed like nothing had really changed. They were best friends above all, like it always had been and hopefully always would be. Being more than friends was precisely that: being _more_. Everything good that they already had plus kissing and cuddling and what not. He smiled. He could gladly get used to that.

Once the pile of clothes had been taken care of, Yamaguchi moved on to a box of notebooks. Tsukishima said he would help with that in a minute, then opened the last drawer and began to properly fold the shorts.

“Thanks” he muttered, both slightly self-conscious and happy to have the other organize his clothes. For him, maybe he would put a bit more effort into keeping those drawers tidy from now on.

During that brief moment when Yamaguchi turned to thank the blonde, his middle finger ran into something sharp — the damaged end of a notebook metal spiral. He gasped and instantly pulled his hand back from the box, inspecting the cut. It wasn’t deep and barely bled, but stung nonetheless.

“What is it?” the blonde was already next to him, taking his hand into his and inspecting the cut.

“It’s nothing, Tsukki. I think I scraped it here” he used his other hand to show him the pointy metal sticking out. “It doesn’t even hurt, really.”

Despite of the reassurance coming out of his mouth, he enjoyed how Tsukishima’s hands cupped his and how warm his body felt so close to his. Behind his glasses, the taller’s eyes were sharp and tainted with concern. Yamaguchi’s heart clenched. He felt cared for. He felt special.

“Be careful...” the blonde nearly whispered.

“I will. I’m sorry...” Yamaguchi’s voice was barely audible, but their faces were now so close to each other it didn’t matter.

One of Tsukishima’s hands rested against the side of Yamaguchi’s face, his fingers brushing softly just below his ear. He was looking down, his eyes nearly closed. Tsukishima leaned forward a bit, hesitating just before their lips made contact. Part of Yamaguchi was desperate to move closer, but the other part wanted to wait and see what the blonde would do. He moved his hand up the other’s nape, stroking his skin in encouragement. Tsukishima exhaled gently and finally locked their lips together.

Yamaguchi’s hand rested against the other’s chest, the tips of his fingers curling up and tugging on the fabric of his shirt. He used his other hand to stroke the blonde curls and pull the taller closer, opening his lips slightly more. His tongue slid teasingly into the other’s mouth as they moved closer to a wall for support. He stretched one of his arms out and locked the door. With his back pressed against the wall, Yamaguchi let his movements grow bolder, lacing one of his arms around Tsukishima’s neck and using his other hand to explore the area from his chest to his neck. Tsukishima’s hands were also on him, every stroke and pressure making his limbs heat up.

He pushed Tsukishima gently towards the bed, laying on top of him. The blonde seemed a bit surprised, but didn’t take his hands away. Yamaguchi held his face with both hands and kissed him slowly before brushing his lips down the other’s jaw, placing kisses down his neck.

“Is this ok?” he asked, just then noticing how out of breath he sounded.

The blonde nodded. Yamaguchi’s hand was placed over his chest, and he could feel how fast Tsukishima’s heartbeat was. He moved the collar of his shirt slightly downwards and sucked on the exposed skin. It felt soft and warm against his lips, and the deep, unsteady inhales coming from the blonde made his insides combust.

“Lunch’s ready!” his mother shouted from downstairs.

Yamaguchi nearly jumped out of the bed, and he could tell Tsukishima’s breathing halted for a moment. He sat down and helped the other get up as well. Tsukishima fixed his hair the best he could while Yamaguchi focused on straightening his shirt. He looked to his side, noticing the blonde’s flushed cheeks and plumped lips, and there was nothing he wished more than to be able to stop time with him and stretch that moment for eternity. He pulled the other’s collar down slightly, smirking at the red and purple mark just above his clavicle.

“Be careful with that.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes and inspected the bruise on a mirror. It was enhanced by the paleness of his skin, and probably would take a while to fade away.

“At least you had the decency to pull my shirt down before doing this” he inhaled deep. “If your parents see this, it’s on you.”

“They won’t” Yamaguchi smiled and moved towards the blonde. He hugged him from behind, resting his chin on the taller’s shoulder, and looked into his eyes on their reflection. “C’mon, or my mom will get up here.”


	14. Chapter 14

"Blue or pink?" Yachi held up two folders.

"Hum... blue?"

Yachi's gaze jumped from one folder to another a few times.

"O-or pink. Matches your hair." Yamaguchi chuckled.

She smiled and shook her head.

"You know what? I'll go with green! Wait... Green or purple?"

"Jeez, Yachi" Yamaguchi threw his head back.

"Fine, fine, purple it is" she threw the folder into her shopping cart. "Now I just need to get erasers and 0.7 graphite for my mechanical pencil... And I might need some hot glue."

They walked around the stationary store looking for the rest of Yachi's supplies. Her college break was close to an end, and she was yet to purchase the required books. Normally, she would have bought everything she needed at least a month prior to the beginning of classes, but her mind had been wandering somewhere else for the past weeks.

"She had Taiko practice yesterday" she mentioned while crouching down to look for the correct graphite size. "It was so cool! I got there late and watched the end of it.

"I remember when she took her team to our games in high school! It looked so awesome... A bit tiring, though."

"Tell me about it. She was soaked in sweat by the end of it. They all were" she grabbed a pair of boxes. "They had to dry up, and some of them even went up to shower. Most of them stayed for drinks, and they were all really fun, though some of them were a bit... intense."

"Intense how?" he giggled.

"Ah, you know... Pretty loud. A lot of hugging. _Interesting_ backstories" she gulped. "I even think I might have heard some illegal stuff I shouldn't know about. Nothing too serious or bad, just... illegal..."

He laughed at her tense expression.

"She knows some interesting people, huh..."

"She does" they moved towards the cashier. "Well, it's good in some ways. She always 'knows a guy' whenever she or someone close to her needs something, it's pretty funny... Yesterday she told Tanaka she 'knew a guy' who could get them a cradle and some onesies for their baby almost for free..."

"Oh, yeah... baby stuff must be expensive."

"It's absurd" she opened her wallet and handed a couple of bills to the cashier, then grabbed her bags. Yamaguchi took most of them to help. "Thanks. So, Kiyoko was talking to me the other day, you know... She wants me to be a big part of her child's life" she blinked quickly a few times and smiled wide. "I've never really wanted children of my own, and gosh I haven't even seen the baby yet, but I just love them so much already."

"You're gonna be the best aunt or whatever in the world" he elbowed her lightly.

Yachi sniffled and laughed.

"I'm so happy for them... They just seem so happy together, and that kid will be so, so loved."

"Tanaka as a father is funny to think about" Yamaguchi smirked. "I can imagine him freaking out so much..."

"Oh, no need to just imagine it. You can actually see it with your own eyes if you want. He won't let Kiyoko get up to get a glass of water. Imagine when the baby's born" she chuckled. "He'll build a cotton castle and just keep them there."

"I actually don't find that impossible" he shook his head.

They got to Yachi's house, which was just a bit over a block away from the store. She offered him tea, and while she boiled some water, he decided to check on his phone. No new messages. He pouted and put his phone back in his pocket.

"Did he send you something?"

"Nah, he's with his family" he sighed. "We'll meet later, though."

"Nice. Are you doing something fun?"

"Just meeting somewhere near his place" he smiled.

She placed a mug in front of Yamaguchi and brought hers to her lips, staring at him with a subtle smirk.

"What?"

"You look so in love" she looked into her mug. "It's cute."

"Shut up..." he blushed, taking a large gulp and flinching slightly. "Hot."

Yachi laughed and sipped on her tea.

***

Yamaguchi had lunch at Yachi's and went back to his place. It was still early in the afternoon, so he grabbed a book and curled up in his blankets on the couch. He couldn't really focus on his reading; his mind wandered back to the previous night, to how his hand slid cautiously across the fabric and found Tsukishima's, how the blonde stroked his knuckles under a pillow and how their arms would touch ever so slightly in a way that didn't raise any suspicion from his parents, but that still communicated something between them, something he couldn't quite put into words but he somehow understood. It had been, at first glance, a movie night like so many others —yet, so much more.

He went back to his room and opened his sketchbook. He added more details to an old sketch of Yachi and him, smudged some shadows on an abstract drawing he didn't quite like but couldn't bring himself to throw away or give up on, and finally moved on to a new page. His charcoals were laying around on his desk. Yamaguchi sighed, determined to face his old messy enemy, and began to sketch something similar to what he had drawn at Tsukishima's the other day. He had way less precision, but the dark strokes gave his drawing a depth he could rarely achieve with a mechanical pencil. The eyes looked sharper, even with less detail. It felt a bit hypnotic. He liked that.

His mother texted asking him to clean the backyard. It was not particularly exciting, but still effective in occupying his mind for a couple of hours. After sweeping the leaves and running a wet cloth across their bench, Yamaguchi went upstairs for a quick shower. He liked how his hair looked when blowdried —a bit of extra volume that suited his face and that he wished could last longer than just an hour. He put part of it in a loose bun, then got dressed. They would probably lay on the grass, so definitely nothing too light or delicate. He settled for a dark red long-sleeved shirt, jeans and a black jacket. Before leaving the bathroom, he put on a bit of cologne and ruffled his hair.

It wasn't freezing, but he still tried to keep his arms as close as possible to his torso on his way to the park. He recalled Tsukishima had mentioned that the snow would make it difficult to keep meeting there, but it didn't quite seem to be the case. He didn't recall feeling unbearably cold the previous time —although that might have nothing to do with the actual temperature. Moreover, there was something endearing about Tsukishima asking him to meet in a place where their main source of entertainment would be each other. Going there once or twice wouldn't have meant much, but the fact that the other kept insisting on it made Yamaguchi's chest clench in warmth. It felt like a way for the blonde to say he enjoyed spending time with him without verbalizing it.

Nonetheless, listening to tiny ice clumps crack under his shoes, he wondered whether it might be better to arrange a new spot. Tsukishima's apartment was an obvious option, but the blonde's tendency to suggest the park and promptness to check the weather forecast and make sure it was a viable option led Yamaguchi to believe the he might want to leave that cubicle whenever possible. His own house could be another option, but there were his parents... Maybe if he moved out? He shook his head, not needing to dive too far into the maths to realize he, financially, wasn't anywhere near even being able to consider it.

He arrived at the park, his gaze instantly searching for the pond. Tsukishima was there, seating down with his headphones on, back facing the entrance. Yamaguchi smiled and approached him.

"Hey" he waved, seating next to him.

"Hey" Tsukishima smiled softly and took off his headphones. "I brought some tea."

He got a thermo and poured the steamy liquid onto two cups. Yamaguchi brought it close to his face and enjoyed the warmth reaching his chin, nose and cheeks, then took a sip.

"It's a bit strong..."

"You don't say" his lips contorted slightly.

"Sorry" he chuckled. "I left the bags in there for too long."

"Don't worry, it's... drinkable."

They chatted a bit about their day. Tsukishima had gone out with Akiteru to look for a gift for his fiancée —their dating anniversary would be in a week, and he wanted to buy her a necklace, specifically one of those shaped like hearts with the couple's initials inside. The blonde found it awfully cheesy, but still seemed glad to see his brother so happy and so in love.

They sipped a bit more on their teas. It was quite bitter, but anything that warm was more than welcome.

"The clouds look so pretty" Yamaguchi commented after a while. He looked up and smiled slightly, leaning back a bit to take a better look. The sun was about to set, coloring the sky in vivid shades of pink and orange.

"They do" Tsukishima lay down on the grass next to him.

Yamaguchi rested his head on the taller's shoulder and felt Tsukishima's arm embrace him from behind. He took in the strong pine scent, the warmth against his body, the colorful clouds over their heads, the way how he could feel the other's heartbeats under his fingertips...

_I love you_ , he wanted to say, but the words didn't come out. If felt redundant. Every little aspect of their embrace, every inch of contact between them already felt like a reminder of that. He placed a hand gently on Tsukishima's face and brought it closer, pressing his lips on his cheek. He traced slow kisses towards his lips, stopping just before reaching them. He rested there for a bit. Yamguchi's sense of self wasn't just in his lips; it was in his fingertips brushing against warm skin, in his nape where the blonde caressed him softly, in the pressure under his thigh as it lay on top of Tsukishima's. Everything he knew about himself at that moment was based on how every millimeter of his body was placed in relation to the other, and it was the most blissful form of existence he had ever experienced.

He removed Tsukishima's glasses gently and finally kissed him. It felt like the first seconds underwater after diving on a hot summer day, like rolling around on warm, soft blankets on a lazy morning as snow falls outside, like facing the sky and screaming at the top of his lungs confessions he would never make out loud. He kept leaning deeper and deeper into the kiss and suddenly found himself on top of the other again. He could feel Tsukishima's grip on his waist, his other hand moving up slowly from his neck to his nape and up his scalp, fingers pulling slightly on his hair.

Yamaguchi moved back, staring down at the blonde. Tsukishima's pupils were shot open, his lips red and glowing under the last beams of sunlight.

"I love you" he whispered. It wasn't enough, it would never be enough. It itched and tugged on his chest; he wanted to say more, do more, more than would be possible in a single lifetime. His gaze wandered from the other's slightly parted mouth back to his eyes. It wasn't logical and could never be, he just felt it —the certainty that the concept of eternity would never again be as clear as it was at that moment.

"I love you too, so why are you crying?" Tsukishima chuckled softly and ran his thumb under Yamaguchi's left eye.

Yamaguchi smiled wide and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He didn't really know why he was crying. Maybe it was just happiness, maybe repressed feelings he'd had for who knows how long finally finding release. He kissed him again. It was faster, breathless. His lips traced down the others jaw and neck, licking and biting slightly on the sensitive skin, fueled by the other's unsteady sighs. With one hand, he moved Tsukishima's face slightly to the side to better expose the region.

The area between his legs was beginning to feel warmer and tighter, and he could feel a growing pressure under him as well. He moved his hip, stroking the other's volume with his own. A hot wave spread across his limbs. His eyes clenched, his whole body shivered. He could feel the taller's arms and shoulders tense up, a barely audible moan leave his mouth. Yamaguchi kept kissing his neck, moving up until he got close to his ear.

"Do you wanna go back to your apartment?" he whispered.

The other nodded. They sat down and locked lips again, pulling each other closer as they stood up. Yamaguchi giggled through their kiss, stumbling on himself but refusing to let go of his partner. He held his hand and hurried him towards the exit.

The streets weren't busy, but there were enough people to make them act with caution. Walking just a few blocks felt like it took forever, and Yamaguchi could barely keep it together while the blonde sorted through his keys and opened his apartment door.

As Tsukishima locked the door from inside, Yamaguchi traced kisses up his nape. The blonde turned around and cupped his face, kissing him while they nearly tripped over towards the couch. He took off his own glasses, leaving them on the coffee table. Yamaguchi's hands traced the other's skin under his shirt as they lay down, helping him remove it, then took off his own as well. Enveloping him and being enveloped by bare arms, chest to chest, skin to skin, was different from anything he had ever felt.

He resumed kissing the taller's already marked neck, licking down his clavicle and deepening the bruise left there the previous time. The blonde's fingers ran through his hair, tugging slightly when he bit or traced over a sensitive spot with his tongue. They were both breathing heavily, and the tightness between his legs was almost painful. He ran his fingers softly over the other's volume, feeling his breathing halt and arms contract in response.

"May I?" he breathed next to his earlobe.

Tsukishima nodded and brought Yamaguchi closer, kissing him gently as the latter pulled their pants down just enough to be able to reach and pull out both their dicks. He felt the taller's lips part open under his, and couldn't keep his own mouth shut as he began to stroke both members together with one hand. Tsukishima's hand joined his, fingers caressing the tip of Yamaguchi's dick and shooting a wave of heat and pleasure through every cell of of body. He returned the favor, taking a few seconds to massage the head of the other's member with his thumb. The blonde moaned against his mouth, his torso pressing even more against Yamaguchi's. Their moans grew louder and filled the living room, sweat began to form on their foreheads, and every bit of Yamaguchi's of skin felt like it was about to both freeze and combust, his entire body hot and shivery and desperate for release.

His vision blurred, eyes nearly rolling back as he came. With one last stroke, the blonde came as well in an inaudible moan. Yamaguchi's mind was cloudy, his limbs trembled and sweat formed a thin layer over his torso, neck, and forehead. He fell over, enveloped by a mist of pleasure and sleepiness, resting his head on Tsukishima's bare chest. The blonde caressed his hair. Both panted heavily.

"We should shower" Tsukishima muttered.

"In a bit" Yamaguchi mumbled with his eyes closed, hugging the other tighter.


	15. Chapter 15

Days passed by, and their college break was nearly over.

There were good days and bad days, and sometimes really good days and really bad ones. At the beginning, those freaked Yamaguchi out. He felt restless, useless, and didn't have a clue what to do. Now, they didn't bother him any less, but he could manage them better.

Sometimes, he could tell when the other got worse in a matter of seconds after waking up. It was like something inside Tsukishima switched off; he just lay there, immobile, like the effort to even move his tongue was far beyond his limits. Yamaguchi would turn around in bed and find the other staring at the ceiling, eyes sometimes puffy, sometimes wide, sometimes teary and void in a way that absolutely destroyed him from the inside out. There were also bad afternoons, when the blonde would beg him to leave, mouth practically dripping with venom as he told Yamaguchi how he didn't need him, didn't want him, then even worse nights, when he would curl up and sob, going on about how it wasn't fair to Yamaguchi, how he wasn't getting any better.

Through all of that, Yamaguchi never left his side.

Therapy days were always unpredictable. After his session, there were times when Tsukishima seemed renewed, refreshed, even giggly, and just so warm and so caring Yamaguchi almost forgot about the other times, those when he would leave in silence with a painfully clenched jaw, his adam's apple moving up and down as they made their way back to his apartment.

He was on medication now, meeting a psychiatrist once per month in addition to his weekly appointments with his psychologist. Confirmed clinically depressed.

At the moment, Yamaguchi was seating on Tsukishima's bed, the blonde half asleep with his head on his lap. He stroked his golden hair, attentive to how the other's breathing slowed down as he dozed off. Yamaguchi's chest fluttered at the sight; he didn't halt the caress, but moved his fingers more lightly to avoid waking him up. Looking around, he finally noticed how dark the room had gotten. It was probably past seven, and soon he should get up and prepare something for dinner.

With his gaze still wandering around the bedroom, he noticed a sheet of paper laying flat on the nightstand: the sketch he had made the other day. That drawing was in a different place every time he spotted it. He smiled shyly, happy the blonde had liked it enough to leaving it right next to his bed, and also excited to show him the new charcoal version.

Very carefully as to not wake him up, Yamaguchi revomed his thigh from under Tsukishima's head and replaced if with a pillow, then headed for the kitchen.

He prepared some fish, rice, and stirred vegetables, most of which he had bought himself and used to fill the other's fridge. While some of Tsukishima's medication made him nauseated and lowered his appetite, the doctor had recommended taking it after his meals, so Yamaguchi made sure the taller gulped down something nutritious at least three times a day. He wasn't the best cook, especially when it came to rice, but it was edible.

"Tsukki" he squeezed his shoulder tenderly and kissed his forehead. "Dinner's ready."

The blonde inhaled deeply and stretched his arms, keeping his eyes shut.

"What time is it?" he mumbled.

"Almost eight. Come on, it'll get cold."

"Mhm..."

"Come on, up" he helped the other sit down.

Even though Yamaguchi did most of the talking as they ate, Tsukishima still seemed immersed in their conversation. He chuckled, smirked and made snarky comments like his usual self. Eyebrows raising and eyes widening, responsive in a way Yamaguchi often missed. When they both laughed, he was overwhelmed by a mix of nostalgia and hope. He didn't care what he had to endure; anything would be worth it if he could listen to that laugh every day for the rest of his life. It was a similar feeling to what he had experienced that morning, just after waking up, when he spotted the blonde standing up and staring through the bedroom window, hair a tangled mess, his t-shirt wrinkled and hanging slightly off his shoulder, a mug of coffee in his hands. He had turned around and pressed his lips in a gentle smile, not saying anything, not even a "good morning". He just held Yamaguchi's gaze for a few seconds with that sweet, loving, knowing look in his eyes. And Yamaguchi understood. There was so much contained in that soft expression, in the way how he just stood there bathing under morning sunlight and gazed at the outside world, in how domestic and vulnerable and intimate it all felt, and he understood everything. Tsukishima still looked pale and thin and absolutely exhausted, but he was shining under the Sun nonetheless, shining in a way that felt like a promise. A promise of recovery, yes, but also more: the promise of a future. A future together.

"I didn't even tell you" Tsukishima said after swallowing his medicine. "You know who's in town? Kuroo and Kenma."

"Really? What are they doing here?"

"Kenma has something work-related, and Kuroo... I have no idea, but we're meeting tomorrow afternoon."

Yamaguchi didn't know much about Kuroo. He remembered him as a rather charismatic captain in high school, perhaps even a bit intimidating, but friendly overall. His impressions of him didn't really matter, though. He was happy to see the other going out, meeting friends. It pained him to admit it, but he was well aware that he alone couldn't make him recover. He could try, but some things were beyond his limits. Any outsider, any source of additional help would be more than appreciated.

They washed the dishes together and got ready for bed. Yamaguchi had practically moved in by now: he had his own hygiene items ready in the bathroom and the two bottom drawers were now his. After brushing his teeth, he put on an old t-shirt and a cozy pair of pants, then settled at the couch. It was his second favorite part of the day, just after cuddling at night; they would sit together, sometimes one on the other's lap, sometimes across the sofa with their legs intertwined, just minding their own businesses but still exchanging light hand squeezes or soft caresses.

Tsukishima's back was resting on Yamaguchi's chest, and he was reading Milan Kundera's _Imortality_. Yamaguchi ran his finger in circular motions up and down the taller's arm, and with his free hand he held _The Unbearable Lightness of Being_ , from the same author. The concert was just about a week away, and he had promised himself he would read that book before the day arrived.

"I'd like to take you on a date sometime" Tsukishima muttered, eyes still glued to his book. "Like, an actual date. Not just laying down on frozen grass and drinking bad tea."

Yamaguchi stopped his caress on the other's arm. He felt himself blush and smiled wide.

"I'd love that, Tsukki. What do you have in mind?"

"I don't know yet, I guess something couples usually do on dates. A movie, dinner, whatever."

Yamaguchi chuckled at the answer. It may not have been the most romantic, but it meant the world to him. He especially liked how the other had referred to them as a couple; it may be a bit obvious and heavily implied by then that they were, indeed, a couple, but he still melted under the sound of that word coming out of the other's mouth. _My boyfriend will take me on a date. My boyfriend, Tsukishima. Boyfriend, boyfriend_. He could definitely get used to saying that.

"Sounds perfect." he resumed stroking the other, now moving up to his scalp.

That was a bit of a power-move. Yamaguchi had been rather surprised to find out just about a week ago that, when it came to head strokes, stoic, cold Tsukishima was just like a puppy. Even when the taller didn't seem to want much physical contact, as soon as Yamaguchi's fingers ran through his hair, not only would he let him, but he would often also lean further into the caress and even fall asleep.

Tsukishima's book began to tilt towards him until the heavy pressure on his thumbs woke him up. He yawned and let the book fall on his chest.

"Sleepy, huh?" Yamaguchi nearly whispered.

The blonde nodded.

"Let's go to bed."

It was still early. In fact, they had gone to bed just before ten everyday for the past week, since one of Tsukishima's medication side effects was making him get sleepy sooner. Yamaguchi was not used to going to bed that early, but he didn't mind. He could play on his phone, watch videos or text Yachi until he finally got tired too. Moreover, once the blonde fell asleep for good, he liked to just be there, ready to calm him down after a nightmare or talk to him when he woke up and couldn't fall sleep again.

On the mattress, Tsukishima's back was once again pressed against Yamaguchi's chest, their legs and fingers intertwined. Yamaguchi resumed stroking the other's hair from behind.

"I love you" Tsukishima whispered.

Yamaguchi froze. It was the first time the blonde said it first.

"I love you too" he pressed his forehead against the other's head, his hair brushing softly against the tip of his nose. "You have no idea how much."


	16. Chapter 16

Since Tsukishima was going out with Kuroo, Yamaguchi decided to call Yachi. She had recently come back from her trip to Tokyo with Saeko and was more than happy to meet up, so they settled for her place.

"Look what I've got you!" she smiled wide, handing him a colorful bag.

"You didn't have to" he opened it and took out a dark red leather jacket. "Wow, thanks! I love it!"

"You do? I was afraid you wouldn't like the color... I wanted to bring you a black or navy blue one, but Saeko said that coming back from Harajuku with a gift like that would be offensive."

"She has a point" he chuckled and tried the jacket on. "Fits perfectly!"

"Good, because you'd have to go all the way to Tokyo to get the size changed."

They made some popcorn and, settling black under warm blankets on the couch, decided to watch a romantic comedy. The sillier, the better. They chatted a bit throughout it, but just sat quiet enjoying each other's company for most of the time. Yamaguchi would occasionally check on his phone for any new messages from Tsukishima, but there were none.

He sent him:

_Hope you’re having a good time! Call me or text me whenever you can. Love you._

Even though they had spent the night together and had a long make out session on the couch before he left, Yamaguchi missed him already. He missed the other's warmth under him, above him, his weight on his chest, the heavy breathing, soft moans, gentle, feathery fingertips but also strong grips and pulls. He missed how Tsukishima would connect the freckles of his bare chest and arms as they lay short-winded on his bed. He missed how silky the his hair felt under his fingers, and especially how the blonde's eyelids would close slightly and how he would tilt his head towards his touch.

He just missed him.

They finished the movie, then began watching another one. It was already getting dark outside, and Tsukishima’s lack of response was beginning to unsettle him.

Yachi and Yamaguchi had already watched that movie before, so she got to tell him a bit more about her trip with Saeko. As expected, her girlfriend’s friends were a bit intimidating at first glance, but she soon found out they were all quite funny and also great cooks. Never in her life had she eaten so much in a single weekend, but it was worth every bite.

“We went ice-skating there too, but the place was so much bigger than the one here!” Yachi gesticulated vigorously to convey her amazement. “And then we had our nails done, and we got to visit this library that seems tiny up front, but it’s huge! It’s like a maze. I need to take you there someday.”

Yachi also told him she had not been able to meet Saeko after their trip. She was having classes again, and their schedules didn’t match. They still had weekends and Wednesday afternoons, but it was almost impossible to meet up any other day of the week for the time being. Yamaguchi wondered if his schedule and Tsukishima’s would be compatible. He had gotten used to spending nearly all of his time with the blonde, and didn’t like the idea of losing that.

“You really seem to like each other, so I’m sure it’ll be ok. I know it must suck to see her less, though...”

“Tell me about it. She’s all I can think about” Yachi sighed. “But there’s a good thing about it, you know. Whenever we meet, it just feels so much more _intense_. I miss her, obviously, but I really like that.”

They chatted for a while longer, and as Yachi paused to sip on her peach juice, Yamaguchi checked his phone again. Nothing. He didn’t want to seem too clingy or desperate, let alone jealous, but he began to ponder whether he should text Kuroo. He wouldn’t hurry them up or anything like that, he just needed... something. Anything.

“Yachi, do you happen to have Kuroo-san’s phone number?”

“Kuroo-san from Nekoma?” she raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah. Tsukki’s with him and he isn’t answering me. I just wanna make sure everything is ok.”

“I’m sure they’re fine, but let me check...” she searched through her contact list. “Nope... But I can ask Hinata!”

“Hinata? Do you think he’s awake now?”

“I bet so... it’s past eight and he likes to walk on the beach before that beach-volleyball thingy. Let me ask him.”

“If he answers, tell him I said hello and that Tsukki and I miss him a lot!”

Yachi giggled and texted Hinata. He replied soon after with Kuroo’s phone number.

“Ok, I’ll forward the message...” she sent it Yamaguchi. “Oh, and Hinata said hi back, and that he misses you both, too. He also bragged a little about Tsukishima missing him.”

Yamaguchi chuckled lightly and added Kuroo’s number.

_Hey, Kuroo-san! How are you? It’s Yamaguchi Tadashi, from Karasuno. I’m sorry to disturb you guys, but could you please ask Tsukki to reply to my messages?_

Not even a full minute later, Kuroo answered:

_Yamaguchi-kun, it’s been a while! I’m good, thanks, how are you? Listen, I’d like to help, but Tsukishima and I didn’t go out today. He said he wasn’t feeling that well and that maybe it’s better if we meet tomorrow. Maybe you should check on him since you guys are close. Hope he gets better soon._

Yamaguchi nearly dropped his phone.

“Yachi, I’m... I’m sorry, but I-I need to go!” he stuttered, not even putting on his heavier coat before leaving her house. “Thanks for everything, I’ll call you later, ok?”

He ran.

“Shit, _shit_ ” he tried calling Tsukishima’s cellphone. “Come on, pick up...”

His fingers were shaking and he could hear his heartbeat in his eardrums. Voicemail. He tried his apartment phone number. Nothing.

“For fuck’s sake” his voice cracked. He bumped into people on the sidewalk, mumbling “sorry” and barely turning to check on them. The floor felt unstable, his head was heavy, he wanted to throw up.

_Maybe he is with Akiteru, or with his mom! Yeah, he could be sleeping back in his old house, right?He could be feeling sick and they are just taking care of him, just that_. Yamaguchi called and Tsukishima’s mother picked up. She told him her son wasn’t there.

“Is there something wrong, Tadashi-chan?” there was a hint of concern behind the usual sweetness of her tone.

“N-no, Tsukishima-san. I’m sorry to bother you.” he hung up. His heart sank.

Yamaguchi arrived at the housing complex, nearly tripping over on his way upstairs. He knocked loudly on Tsukishima’s door. No reply. He tried again, this time banging on it.

“Tsukki, open the door, will you?” no reply. “I’m coming in!”

He recalled the other had mentioned his emergency key was under a wooden floor panel. Yamaguchi tugged on some of them until one of the panels came off. He grabbed the key and almost threw himself back at the door, unlocking it and bursting in the second it clicked open.

“No...” Yamaguchi gasped, running towards Tsukishima.

The blonde was lying on the floor, right next to the couch as if he had tried to get up and fell. On his coffee table, a glass bottle was horizontal on top of a puddle of its own contents: a transparent and strong scented liquid.

“No, no, no...” he cupped the other’s face. His skin felt cold and clammy. “Hey, Tsukki, wake up. Wake up!”

Yamaguchi couldn’t breathe. His tears fell down and wet Tsukishima’s cheeks. He called an ambulance.

“My friend has alcohol poisoning!” he yelled as soon as they picked up, then told them the address before even letting the person on the other side of the line reply. “Please, please, send someone!”

Yamaguchi put them on speaker mode and was asked to check the other’s pulse. He choked on a sob when he felt it under his fingertips, then counted them out loud for the lady on the phone.

“ _Don’t force him to vomit. Don’t give him anything to eat or drink. Make him lay on his side, ok? Keep counting his heartbeats, can you do that for me_?”

He kneeled right behind Tsukishima, one of his fingers pressed deep under his jaw, and with his free hand, he stroked his hair.

Tsukishima’s hand ran over the carpet. Yamaguchi’s eyes lit up.

“Tsukki? Tsukki, hey, hey, it’s me...”

Tsukishima made a silly effort to sit up. He could barely move his arms next to his body. He coughed and coughed and then threw up, nearly chocking as the combination of stomach acid and alcohol burned his throat and mouth. Yamaguchi helped keep his upper body up so that his face didn’t fall on the vomit. He ran his fingers across the other’s shoulders.

He brought the taller gently to his lap, laying him back on his side. Tsukishima panted heavily and coughed again, cold sweat forming on his forehead. With his eyes clenched, he raised his hand back as if looking for something. For someone. He grabbed Yamaguchi’s wrist, then moved his fingers up until they intertwined. Yamaguchi held his hand back tightly. He pressed his forehead against the blonde’s cold skin and sobbed uncontrollably, kissing his wrist and his knuckles to remind him that he was right there by his side, that he was being cared for, that he was safe.

“I love you” he whispered with his lips pressed against the back of the other’s hand. “I love you. I _love_ you... It’ll be ok. You hear me? It will be ok, Tsukki. You’re ok. Everything will be ok.”

Paramedics burst into the bedroom. They took Tsukishima from him.

They put him in an ambulance.

They drove away.


	17. Chapter 17

Tsukishima's heart stopped on the way to the hospital.

The paramedics managed to restart it. It stopped again.

They hadn't allowed Yamaguchi in the ambulance. He arrived shortly after. Tsukishima was already dead by then.

Yamaguchi didn't recall much from that day. He remembered the dizziness. He remembered yelling, begging them to do something, to bring him back. The gentle squeeze on his arm, the "I'm sorry for your loss", the sympathetic smile that made him want to throw up. He hyperventilated. He fell to the ground.

Akiteiru and his mother didn't take long to get to the hospital. They kept telling the doctors that there must be a mistake, that the young adult who had just passed from an alcoholic overdose couldn't possibly be Tsukishima. They were asked to see his body. Yamaguchi would never forget their faces when they returned, the overlap of shock, confusion and denial. Akiteru and his mother hugged. She let out sharp cries and fell to her knees, her whole body shaking like she was convulsing. Akiteru held her tight, crying as well, but differently: eyes wide open, his features frozen like that of a statue as tears streamed down his face.

Yamaguchi didn't approach them. He let them sob in their embrace and stumbled out the hospital. Everything was spinning, he was about to throw up. His legs were heavy, yet he couldn't really feel them. It was like they weren't a part of him, just attached to his body.

He stood outside the hospital.

He didn't know what to do. He didn't know where to go. Tsukishima was dead. 

Yamaguchi ran to the parking lot and sat down next to a tree, resting his forehead on his knees. His head throbbed, his vision dark and blurry. He could see his chest move up and down frantically, feel hot tears and snot down his chin, he knew he was panicking and yet he felt disgustingly calm, as if he were a mere observer, as if that wasn't him. It couldn't be him. It couldn't be reality. Tsukishima couldn't be dead.

He clenched his eyes and curled further into himself. He didn't want to see, to hear, to taste, to smell, to feel. Everything felt wrong. Every passing second without Tsukishima felt wrong. He was gone. Gone. He wasn't anywhere.

Yamaguchi called Yachi.

" _Tadashi, I was worried! Is everything okay? Are you with Tsuki_..."

"Please, come pick me up" his voice cracked. "I'm at the hospital."

" _You what? I-I'm on my way! Are you ok?_ "

"Please, Yachi, please..." he sobbed. "Please, just come here. I'm at the parking lot. Look for a big tree near the exit..."

Yamaguchi hung up and sat still until Yachi found him.

"Fuck, oh fuck, Tadashi!" she kneeled next to him. "Are you hurt? Look at me. Hey, look at me."

"Tsukki's dead" he raised his head to look her in the eye. "He's dead, Yachi!"

He told her about Tsukishima's condition, his depression, insomnia, his coping mechanisms. She didn't interrupt, not even when tears began to form in the corners of her eyes.

"I thought he was better, I never..." he sobbed heavily. "He was alone, he was all alone, I should've been there. If I arrived just a few minutes bef..."

"Shut up" she brought him into a tight hug. "Don't blame yourself. Ever. This wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known, no one could."

"But..."

"Tadashi" Yachi sniffled. Her eyes were red and watery, but she still held her head up. "You. Couldn't. Have. Known. The fact that you arrived soon enough to get him to a hospital, honestly... You did everything you could. Everything. I know he loved you very much, okay? He would never want you to blame yourself and..." her voice cracked. She cleared her throat and blinked hard, forcing a couple of tears to drop from her eyelashes. "And you know it, ok? You know he would never, ever want you to take the blame, to feel guilty. So don't. For him, don't."

Her voice died out at the end. Yamaguchi hugged her, he held onto her like his like depended on it. It hurt a bit, but Yachi didn't move away. She hugged him back, caressing his back as he sobbed and nearly yelled against her shoulder.

"It hurts so much" he mumbled. "I can't do this, Yachi, I can't, I don't want to, I can't..."

His chest hurt. It felt empty, like a vacuum, pulling his flesh from the inside and making his heart feel unbearably tight, tight enough to stop its own circulation at any minute. He hoped that vacuum would keep going, that it would pull enough to take him whole. He just wanted to disappear, to make the pain stop.

He just wanted to be with the person he loved.

Yachi took him home. She helped explain the situation to his parents. They were both devastated, but also confused. His dad kept asking questions about Tsukishima's habits, whether he had a history of either depression or alcoholism in his family, something to make sense of all of it. Only his mother knew about the situation with Tsukishima’s father. Yamaguchi couldn't bear it. He begged them to just let him be alone for a while, then ran up to his room with Yachi.

He asked her to leave, but she never did. Deep down, he was thankful for it. He didn't know what he would be capable of if let alone after what happened. They got changed, she borrowed some of his clothes, and they lay on his bed. She hugged him from behind, not saying anything, just stroking his arm and allowing him to cry and much as he needed.

Yamaguchi was still processing what had happened. He would remember Tsukishima was dead, cry about it until his body felt drained, then, just as his mind began to clear, he would remember it again. It didn't matter how much he repeated that the blonde was dead, his mind couldn't keep up, couldn't internalize it. It couldn't understand what it all actually meant. Tsukishima wasn't anywhere. Yamaguchi couldn't find him. He could cross the globe, could look into every house, behind every tree and up every hill, and would never find him. He would never see him again. He would never kiss him again. He would never hug him again or talk to him again. He would never hear his laugh, feel his scent. His eyes, his hair, his skin... The part of Yamaguchi's life that included Tsukishima was over. For the rest of his days, until his own death, he wouldn't see his best friend again.

Tsukishima was gone. He would never wake up again.

The first week was a blur. He attended the funeral, but didn't remember much from it. He recalled Tsukishima's mother hugging him and telling him he was like a second son to her. He recalled Akiteru sobbing into his fiancées shoulder, and how his figure trembled during the ceremonies. The blonde was cremated. About two hours later, his family collected his bones.

Being in his room was hell. His bed, his notebooks, everything reminded him of the other. It didn't matter how much of it he trashed or threw away, every inch of that room sent him back to Tsukishima. He was in the little planet stickers they had glued to the ceiling as kids, he was in his desk where they'd study together and listen to music, he was in his mattress, laughing and smiling up at him. He was in his own body, tracing constellations on his freckles.

He thought about drawing, but the charcoals and the last work on his sketchbooks brought back more than he could handle.

College classes were starting again. Hinata came to visit after finding out about Tsukishima's death. Yamaguchi still cried every night, but after a couple of weeks, he could already think a bit more clearly and smile a little. He went out with Yachi, Hinata, and Kageyama once every few days. His appetite was slowly coming back. Yamaguchi was getting better, and he was conscious of it.

It felt wrong sometimes. He didn't know if he wanted to get better. Getting better felt like getting over Tsukishima, like moving on. Yamaguchi couldn't accept that. He didn't want to give the universe his forgiveness for taking away the person he loved the most. It sickened him to think that, someday, he would wake up and wouldn't think of the blonde, wouldn't love him as desperately as he did now.

There were bad and awful days. A particularly awful day was that one when they were supposed to visit the Beethoven concert. He recalled the blonde's excitement, his "es muss sein!". Yamaguchi laughed bitterly. "Es muss sein" in hell. It didn't have to be like this, it just didn't.

Another awful day was that when Akiteru asked Yamaguchi if he had left anything in Tsukishima's apartment, since they would be clearing it out. He would rather have his stuff set on fire before stepping there, but ended up deciding to go accompanied by Yachi.

It began to go downhill when they passed in front of the park. He stared at the ground the whole time. Yachi didn't really understand, but recalling some of his stories she managed to put two and two together and just rubbed his back in reassurance.

"It's ok if you don't want to go in, Tadashi. I can get your stuff." she offered as they stood right in front of Tsukishima's door.

"No, it's fine. Thank you, but I can do this."

He took a deep breath and opened the door.

The pine scent. The magazines on the coffee table. The volleyball at the corner. The couch. The spot right next to it where he had found Tsukishima. Yamaguchi's heart race went up and he stumbled backwards, sliding down against the wall outside the apartment.

"I can't, I can't, I was wrong, I can't" he gasped for air, pulling at his hair and bringing his knees closer.

"Shhh, it'll be ok, I'm here, Tadashi" she stroked his hair. "Breathe in... Breathe out. Good! In... Out... In... Out..."

They sat there for a couple of minutes. He caught his breath and cried as Yachi whispered kind words next to his head. He didn't want to do it. He didn't, he didn't. It hurt too much.

"Tadashi, I think it's better if I go in and get your stuff, ok?"

"N-no" he sobbed. "I have to do this, Yachi. One last time."

He knew they were clearing out the apartment. In maybe a week or so, every trace of Tsukishima left there would be gone. His clothes, his cutlery, his books, and eventually even his scent.

"Fine, I respect that. Just don't push yourself too hard, ok?"

Yamaguchi nodded and went into the apartment again. He hated every second of it. Except for the vomit that had already been cleaned up —probably as a request from the landlord, leaving just a slightly discolored stain on the ground— and the glass bottle that had been taken away, everything was just like they had left it. It was like Tsukishima would show up at any second to wash the mug in the sink, to make his bed, fold a blanked left on the couch. It still felt too much like him, but he, the main element, was gone.

Their books were on the nightstand, right next to the magazines. Some of them were slightly wrinkly at the corners after being wet in alcohol. The star gazing edition was one of them, some of the dark blue in the cover now varying from purple to light blue and gray. It felt like mockery. Mockery for ever believing the universe to care about him, about them. The world was a cold, indifferent place. It didn't care if they died. It didn't care if they cried or yelled. It stained their magazine. It didn't care at all.

Yamaguchi saw his drawing on the nightstand. He saw a strand of golden hair on the pillow. The blonde's half used shampoo, his sweaters, his lens wipes. The green card for the Tokyo exhibition in a drawer.

He and Yachi put everything that was his in their backpacks. Yamaguchi's face was red and swollen by the end of it, but it was done. He did what he had to do, and now there was no reason to return there. He hated it, hated it with all his heart, but it still felt like some weight was lifted off his chest.

Weeks passed by. Akiteru visited him sometimes. At the beginning it was just to check on him, dance around the subject, but they eventually got more comfortable with each other. When he got married, Yamaguchi was there in one of the first rolls.

Tanaka and Kiyoko had their child. A little girl. Yachi visited them almost every day, then went back to the apartment she was sharing with Saeko. The latter told Yamaguchi she wanted to propose to Yachi someday.

Yamaguchi and Saeko spoke occasionally. She told him about that time when she and Tsukishima spoke privately. She had seen him him a few times, first buying sleeping pills in the pharmacy and then nearly passed out in a friend's party. Adding to his bad shape, she figured something must be wrong and wanted to offer support.

When alone, he was now beginning to be able to recall certain things without bursting into tears or having a panic attack. Drifting back to that night, he wondered if Tsukishima knew he was there. If he knew he wasn’t alone. Was he scared? Did he think he was going to die? Was it an accident? Yamaguchi would curl up on bed, pull on his hair, but he could never fully answer those questions. There was a hint, though: the way how the blonde intertwined their fingers. Maybe he just did so because he was scared and felt a human presence beside him. Maybe. But maybe he knew exactly who it was.

Months passed by, then years. Yamaguchi met a girl at work. She was pretty and smart and adorably shy. He asked her out once, they had dinner, and not long after that, they moved in together. His parents were delighted. She got along with Yachi and Saeko, and they went out on double dates pretty often. Eventually, she learned about Tsukishima. Yamaguchi expected her to react badly, but she never did. It brought them closer, and she would let him open up about it, hug him and comfort him through restless nights and crying episodes.

They got married. He loved her. It wasn’t the same entrancing, nearly destructive love he had for Tsukishima, but it was love regardless.

The blonde never left his life. He was there when Yamaguchi avoided the park on his way to work. He was there in the pictures in his parents’ living room and in his old bedroom. He was in the moon and the stars, in white flowers and ponds and frozen grass. He was also in dreams, and in the way how, when nervous, Yamaguchi would unconsciously grip his own wrist tight, similar to how Tsukishima, almost unconscious and minutes before his heart stopped for good, had held him.

Yamaguchi was getting over him. He didn’t like that, but it was inevitable. He had kids, friends, a loving wife, a stable job, proud parents. He could be happy. However, a part of him always wondered what could have been. That little seed in his heart that would never grow to see sunlight.

Was Tsukishima somewhere? Anywhere? As a spirit, as reincarnation, as just a fading memory? Would they meet again in an infinite cycle of love and loss, would they be together in a parallel universe, blissfully unaware of how wrong it had gone in another reality? Yamaguchi wondered that sometimes, more sparingly as years kept passing by. There wasn’t really a point in obsessing over all of that. It was well above wonder, anyway.


	18. End note

Why did I write this? I don't know. Today, I just finished revising and uploading chapter 15. I am yet to write the death scene, but I've been planning it since the very beginning. In fact, the idea that I wanted to write about death was what made me come up with all the rest.

I didn't just want to talk about death. More specifically, I wanted to talk about the death of a young person, and I especially wanted to talk about the death of a friend. This idea got stuck in my head after listening to this playlist on YouTube: https://youtu.be/DSfFLvidfcM, called "he will never wake up again" (which btw directly inspired the name of the series I'm writing, starting with this Tsukiyama fic). I have listened to a fair share of "sad playlists", but this one hit different. Why? I can't quite put my finger on it. The first music, "Sleeping Inside" by Lilium, made me feel sad, but also _wrong_. Not wrong in the sense that I had done something bad, not quite regret, but just that sense that something that shouldn't have happened... happened. "Sleeping Inside", for me, sounds like an "aftermath", like a feeling of hollow sadness. It feels nostalgic, but in a hopeless way? I can't explain it! Well, the next one, "Saudades", also hits hard. Saudades is a Portuguese word that is difficult to translate, but I found this on Google: "Saudade is a word in Portuguese and Galician that claims no direct translation in English. However, a close translation in English would be 'desiderium'. Desiderium is defined as an ardent desire or longing, especially a feeling of loss or grief for something lost." It's melody is also sad, but I feel like it tilts more towards the beauty of nostalgia than its hollowness (though it depends on your mood, I guess).

Ok, I'm getting lost in thought here, but let me see if I can make my point: death happens to all of us. It's inevitable. I have lost relatives, most of them to diseases and of old-age. It hurt a lot. However, it didn't feel so _wrong_. I recall one time when death actually felt wrong to me. It was a guy from my high school. He suffered a car crash and that was it, he was gone. I found out about it on the news. I never really spoke to him, but everyone who was close to him said the same: he was the kindest, friendliest person they knew. And just like that, he was gone. We had a gathering at school the next day, and the whole atmosphere just felt so heavy, so... bitter? At some point some of us hugged each other, and feeling another person's breathing and heartbeats felt different then. It was like a reminder of how batshit crazy life is, how being alive felt like something we borrowed, something that wasn't ours, something that could be taken from us just like that, at any age, any time, any stupid accident.

You expect your grandparents to die, your parents to die. When it comes to friends, siblings, lovers, however, it's not something that we really count on. It feels like they'll be there forever. Maybe we can imagine them dying before us if we're both old and saggy, but imagining that right now, young and immature as we are, they could just leave this world is scary to say the least. I don't know, I really just wanted to explore this particular type of loss: the loss of a future together, of what could have been, you know?

Finally, I wanted to address my choice for Tsukki's death. Alcohol poisoning, yeah, but also depression. Was it suicide? Even I can't really answer that, though I don't think I'd call it suicide. However, even if he didn't exactly mean to kill himself, depression and self-hatred obviously played a major role in leading to that ending.

Having struggled with depression since I was about 12 and also having witnessed many of my friends struggle with it, I think I could kind of see myself both in Yamaguchi and in Tsukishima. I have read many fanfics where character A is depressed and character B "cures them". That doesn't really resonate with me... If that happened to you obviously I won't invalidate that, but I wanted to portray how even receiving the deepest, truest form of love from another person may not be enough to recover. It can help, definitely, but helping and solving are different things. Moreover, I see a lot of portrayals of depression being this continuous sad state with occasional "faking happiness" as to not worry others. While that may be the experience for some, and again I wouldn't ever try to invalidate that, that is not my experience, and the stories I've heard from friends/acquaintances also suggest they've experience something different. Ups and downs, moments when you feel pure bliss followed by an intense depressive episode. It’s easy to mistake such episodes for failure, to think that they mean you’ll never recover, that you’ll always go back to that miserable state. That’s a lie, but it’s hard to understand that when you’re in the middle of a bad episode.  
  


The Spofify playlist I linked below was heavily inspired by the youtube one I mentioned, but not all of the youtube songs are included in it, and there are some that I added, such as “Feel Better” by Penelope Scott, that I feel like really fit the feelings I wanted to portray. Hope you enjoy it, and please give some love to the youtube one, it’s truly amazing!

I might update this end note, but for now, that’s about what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell everyone struggling with mental illness or depression that relapsing isn’t the end, isn’t a failure, and that you can get better. It does get better. And for those who lost loved ones to it, it wasn’t your fault. Truly, it wasn’t.

Stay safe, wear your masks, and happy 2021 :) thanks for reading. Sorry for any mistakes, English isn’t my first language.

**Author's Note:**

> I made a playlist for this fic. At the end I should explain why these songs. Hope you enjoy :) 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4bt674BgV7CLPrxB6Ou7sC?si=xiKsMnJsTiihC0PVh9uo7g


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